From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Conflict: What Did You Say?

Interpersonal conflicts are the worst! They are destructive to relationships and they exact a steep emotional toll on those persons involved. But all to often, amongst the best of friends or family members, conflicts do arise over things said or done. When conflicts occur, how do people and relationships survive? Here are a few hints.

Write your feelings down to get the anger out. When we're upset, we often feel a host of confusing feelings. It is easy to unload anger inappropriately or fail to express ourselves adequately. Writing down your feelings helps to organize your thoughts and relieve tension. Once on paper, it may be easier to sort out the issues.
Allow yourself to calm down --- then talk. It is almost impossible to discuss things rationally when emotions abound. While talking is critical, it is also important to avoid furthering the injury. Take a little time, breathe deeply, take a walk... then when you have an open mind, begin the process of negotiation.
Avoid the Right-Wrong Trap. Let's face it... everybody's always right. Or at least nobody wants to be wrong. The only way to resolve disputes is to assume that everyone is correct from their own perspective. Respect your opponent. Assume that they acted as correctly as was possible at the time.
If you're sorry, say so! Many people find it hard to apologize. They assume that an apology is an admission of guilt. However, it is possible for both parties to say they are sorry for the pain of their misunderstanding, with neither one losing face. This is often the quickest solution to a painful problem.
Be aware of the cost of bearing a grudge. Our most painful encounters are usually with those who are closest to us. Skirmishes often develop between siblings, relatives or best friends at highly emotional times. Feuds begin when feelings are hurt. The price of pride is very high. Lifelong relationships can be sabotaged over petty misunderstandings... a loss that few of us can afford.

In her latest book, Maya Angelou shares her views on the subject when she says "Living life as art requires a readiness to forgive. I do not mean that you should suffer fools gladly, but rather remember your own shortcomings, and when you encounter another with flaws, don't be eager to righteously seal yourself away from the offender forever. Take a few breaths and imagine yourself having just committed the action which has set you at odds" (1993).

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Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.