From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Emotions and their Stages

We are born with a fine set of tools by which to understand and make sense of life. These are called our emotions. Through a fine array of sensory functions, we record the sight, sound, smell, taste and feel of our experiences... and then we react.

Living in a civilized society as we do, we often pass judgement on our modes of reacting. We think that we are being too upset, too angry, too hurt, too sad, too serious... in short, too emotional. However, it is often more dangerous to be civilized, than to do what comes naturally. I'll explain...

Ignoring our feelings causes Emotional Indigestion. When bad things happen to us, all of our "alarms" go off. We become tense, we become stressed, we become ready for "fight or flight". Our blood pressure rises, our breathing changes, our pupils dilate, we begin to perspire. Our bodies ready themselves to respond to emergencies.

Once the crisis is over, there is the need to "let down" and allow our bodies to return to their resting states, and also, to release the feelings which have built up as a result of the experience. When we ignore these feelings, it causes emotional indigestion, which can sour a variety of areas of our lives.

Emotions run in cycles and need to run their course. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These five stages have been applied to a wide range of losses, including the loss of a marriage, job, home, family members, illness, etc. Although, we may not experience all stages of this grieving process, many do apply and we need to recognize that during a loss of any kind, there is a cycle which will run its course until we reach some point of acceptance.

To deny our feelings means that we are still in the stage of denial. To mask our feelings means that we are still in the angry stage. When we find ourselves depressed, it means that we are getting closer to acceptance, and thereby, recovery.

Unexpressed emotions build up and prevent our seeing clearly. When we deny our feelings or are not allowed to express them openly, we hold them in and repress them. This is a costly process which can result in physical, as well as psychological illness. Like the windshield of a car that catches mud and debrie but is never cleaned, it soon becomes difficult if not impossible to see the road ahead of us clearly. When this happens, our perception becomes distorted and we may make some errors in our judgement calls.
Take time for yourself. Like any illness, it is important to get rest in order to recooperate. When we acknowledge that we need time to heal, the healing process begins. It is important to face the crisis head-on, either with the help of others who are supportive, or on our own.

Sometimes it helps to write down our feelings, expressing them on paper. Sometimes it helps to cry. When we have lost someone we love, we may need to say "good-bye". Even if it has been a very long time since the actual loss occurred, the process may still be incomplete. "Old business" may still be "unfinished business", and may require the assistance of a counselor or psychotherapist in order to be completed.

Emotions are an asset... the barometer of our experience. Our emotions are largely the function of our unconscious mind, which has recorded every experience during our lifetime. Our unconscious minds help us to "sense" danger, react quickly, detect lies, and make decisions. In each of us, there is a force working in our own "best interest" to protect us. When we trust our own instincts, they provide loyal guidance for us.

Sometime ago, I received some shocking news which would decidedly have an effect on my life. I remember going through the day as though it really didn't happen (denial). When I was again faced with the news, I became angry (anger), and began thinking of ways that I could have prevented the situation (bargaining). After several days of trying unsuccessfully to change things, I became very sad (depression). I stayed depressed for 48 hours, taking small bits of comfort from the kind words of friends, but mostly just allowed myself to feel my emotions. Only then was I able to begin my healing process (acceptance). The next phase of my life was about to begin.

It is often scary to pass through a tunnel... but it is also the quickest way to get to the other side of the mountain.

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Last Updated October 24, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.