From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Preparing for the Holidays: A Recipe for Success

Preparing for the holidays involves more than shopping, cooking, and inviting the company. Holidays tend to be times of great expectations, and sometimes, big disappointments. It is not unusual for conflicts to arise between family members who have differing expectations for the holidays. When this occurs, times of celebration can turn into times of power struggles. This year as you prepare for the holidays, I recommend the following recipe for success.

Hold a family "planning" meeting. It is important to give thought to the holidays, and then to share those thoughts with your family before the holidays. All members of the family have an important role to play in the celebration, thus, it is important to include all family participants in the planning meeting. Family meetings can be formal or informal. Ask everyone to gather for a few minutes, or combine your family meeting with a meal when everyone is present. As people talk, it is important to take notes or make lists, so that each person’s ideas and requests can be remembered. This is also a good time to communicate about financial restraints, so that your plans will fit your holiday budget.

Sharing ideas ahead of time can help ensure a smooth landing for those who will be traveling to see you. Both before and after your family meeting, it is a good idea to consult by telephone with those who may be coming in from out of town, so that they too will know what to expect.

Create a family calendar. Everyone needs to know what’s happening and agree on the timing of certain events. Younger children, in particular, need to be able to conceptualize a time frame for when the holidays begin and end. By posting a family calendar, everyone will be informed about the timing of certain events such as when visiting relatives will come and go, and when certain special events will take place. Disagreements over timing are a prime cause of arguments during the holidays.
The key to the holidays: Bonding experiences. Next year’s fond memories will include this year’s special moments. Each year, we add a new page to our family album. Allow time for both group activities, and enjoying those special moments which come from informal one-on-one interactions. Holidays are times when members of different generations get to know each other better. Remember to spend some individual time talking, visiting, or playing games with various members of the family.
Create a list of possible activities. Rather than wait for that awful cry of boredom, it is helpful to brainstorm a list of group activities ahead of time. Over the Thanksgiving weekend, our family activity list included: Taking pictures, making a home-movie of the family, story-telling, going out to the movies, shopping, attending the local Arts and Crafts Fair, going for a walk in the park, and putting together a jigsaw puzzle. By creating a list of options ahead of time, it is easier to reach a group consensus about the activity of the day, however, the group must also remain flexible to changing circumstances.

While it is important to have a list of many options, it is also likely that some activities will not be possible. When this happens, it is important to be sensitive to any hurt feelings which may develop. Some great ideas may need to be postponed to another time!

Each member of the family may have their own idea of how to celebrate. During your family meeting, discuss individual objectives. One child may want time to bake cookies with Grandma, another may want to include a friend in a special activity, older kids may want to spend time together, or religious observances may be important. The key to success is to find out ahead of time what everyone has in mind.

No two years of celebrating the holidays are ever identical. Each year, the participants change. Some family members may be absent; new family members may join; children have grown; all will have aged. Holiday times combine the re-enacting of time-honored family traditions, and inventing new ways to celebrate. The key to making this holiday season a success is to honor each family member by allowing them to make a personal contribution to this year’s celebration!

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.