From Dr. Jane's Notebook

A Fresh Look At The Holiday Season

During times of stress, it is easy to lose sight of things to be thankful for, even on Thanksgiving. Often we find ourselves in perpetual states of pressure and irritation. Routine tasks become irritating chores. Work is exhausting, people live in fear of losing their jobs, and being a parent creates more worry than joy. Then, just when we seem maximally stressed out, its time once again for the holidays.

In the old days, before holidays became so stressful, they were actually regarded as time out from busy schedules, time to play, and time to enjoy being with our families. Before there were endless television commercials and expectations for large gifts, presents were frequently homemade and certainly less extravagant. As we approach the holidays this year, we have the opportunity to rekindle old values and ignite new traditions. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

Have a family meeting to discuss this year’s holiday plans. Call a meeting of your immediate nuclear family for the purpose of discussing holiday plans. Everyone can participate, especially the kids. On a large piece of paper or blackboard, list everyone’s hopes, wishes, and dreams about the holidays. Family members will no doubt want to do different things during the holidays. Using a calendar, see if its possible to schedule agreed-upon times to do things, making sure to include at least one request by each person.
Discuss the meaning of gifts. This will require that parents clarify their own feelings about gifts. Some families feel compelled to buy endless gifts, hoping that the expense will communicate love. Other families ask what people truly want and try to meet that special request. While some of the surprise value is lost, it means a great deal to people to receive what they really want. In addition to pleasing family members, this is a way to communicate respect and the desire to please the recipient. When we only give gifts that we ourselves value, we communicate a lack of respect for other individuals and their tastes.
Teach your children what the holidays mean to you. Without the accompanying historical narrative, children may fail to understand the significance of holidays. Often, celebrations become contests between adults. Children may learn to value a gift by its cost; meals may become competitive contests; and the meaning of the holiday may be lost. Previous holidays provide excellent content for bedtime stories, and ways for children to learn about their heritage.
Add a new chapter to your holiday celebrations each year. To prevent constant repetition and chronic comparisons, expect each holiday season to be different from the last. Rigid celebrations are often frought with the hazard of not being able to reproduce memories. Instead, try to realize that each holiday must be somewhat different and unique because the people and times change from year to year. Rather than attempt to prevent change, consider an acceptable variation which you wish to add this year. These unique touches tend to be remembered, provide renewed excitement, and rekindle enthusiasm.

Following old traditions is often a way to communicate respect for the past. However, it is possible to celebrate in a way that incorporates old traditions and develops new ones. By allowing our children to contribute their fresh ideas, we allow them to feel a full sense of participation. Using the metaphor of a holiday play, rather than just allowing our children to watch the holiday play, each gets a special part in the play.

Each year, as my family unwraps the array of Chanukah decorations which have been collected over the years and then carefully stored in the attic between holidays, every decoration tells a story. Some were made by grandparents who are now long deceased. Others record the history of our childrens’ growing up years through homemade art projects and handmade decorations.

All in all, some traditions remain the same, while others evolve according to this year’s creativity and this year’s interests. No matter how things turn out, the fun of celebrating together becomes woven into the continuing tapestry of holiday memories which we have shared and stories which are retold. Although, if it were up to me, this year we could skip the story of how my marshmallows and yams caught on fire...

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.