From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Anger Revisited

We live in a society frought with violence. Recent incidents at high schools and multiple incidents over the past few years, heighten our awareness of the thin line that seems to exist between the expression of anger and the expression of violence. Obviously, the situation could get worse. But the more interesting question is, how can things improve?

Dr. Albert Ellis, renowned Psychologist, has spent his life teaching people how to deal more effectively with anger. Here are a few ideas which he espouses in over 500 articles and 50 books on the subject. They are readily available in local libraries and bookstores.

"What disturbs people's minds is not events but their judgments on events" (Epictetus, First Century A.D.). Albert Ellis' theory and his Rational-Emotive Therapy are based upon the idea that it is not events that make us react with anger, but what we tell ourselves about the meaning of those events. When I was growing up, we used the rhyme "stick and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". There's no telling how many fights this simple slogan probably avoided.
Between every action and our reaction, we tell ourselves something which determines our reaction. When someone insults us, we have the choice of becoming deeply offended and reacting with anger, or we can simply "consider the source" and not get rattled. Our responses are generally motivated by the desire to be right, to not be wrong, to not be criticized, and to maintain our self-esteem. However, even if we feel that we have been insulted, we decide if we want to put our self-esteem "on the line." So we must take responsibility for our reactions.
Irrational Belief Systems are ancient for us. Down deep, we often believe that everyone should love and approve of us, do what we want them to do when we want them to do it, and not do anything we don't want them to do. In addition, when someone does something we don't like, we believe that we have a "right" to get angry.

Most of us learned these irrational beliefs during childhood in our families, and they were reinforced for many years. Anger may have become an automatic response, but it is not necessarily a constructive response. As adults we have the choice of either maintaining our childish reactions (tantrums) or developing new ones. If we choose to adopt new ways of thinking, we may also learn to avoid more serious problems, such as getting inappropriately angry at work or in our personal lives.

The first step is to slow down and develop self-awareness. If we do not wish to become uncontrollably angry, we must stop putting our self-esteem on the line. When someone does something that you do not like, you need not take it so personally. Step back for a moment... Consider whether you are really so vulnerable that a single action on the part of another person can cause you to react irrationally?

Once anger gets started, it is difficult to control, it can get out of hand, and be totally consuming. Anger is also one of those contagious emotions which brings out hostility in others and can ruin otherwise good relationships. As an alternative, it may be better to focus on learning to communicate our negative reactions and feelings in non-aggressive ways.

Separate the behavior... from the person doing the behavior. If you want to let the air out of your "anger balloon", here's a simple technique. Most of us have learned not to tell a child that they are a bad person, when in fact, it is just their behavior which may be bad at the moment. Instead, we separate the behavior from the person, and assertively let them know how we feel. We don't wish to destroy the whole person, we want merely to address the undesired behavior. Likewise, when someone does something that you dislike, it is better to express dislike for the behavior, than to reject the entire person. Unfortunately, we often take other people's actions too seriously, giving the deed more credit than it is worth.

Human beings have a tremendous capacity to change, to learn new ways of being, and to develop new skills. Anger does not have to rule your life and your emotions. Like any other bad habit, you can learn to control it if you wish.

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Last Updated October 25, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.