From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The Ultimate Friendship!

A happy marriage is a piece of art. It takes work. It is a thing of beauty. It is a great treasure. I work with couples everyday and I have been part of a couple for more than twenty years. The marital bond can be your partnership through life. As the most important relationship in your life, it requires special care. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

Marriage is a Friendship. Above all, marriage should be a great friendship. Everyone treasures their best friendship. The best friend is the one you can trust with your deepest thoughts and deepest concerns. Your best friend is someone to play with and someone who will support you in your moments of self-doubt. To maintain a best friendship requires time and consideration. Consider who your best friend is and think of those things you do to maintain that friendship.
Story-Telling is an Art. When we get together with friends, most of what we do is story-telling. We tell stories about the kids, stories about work, or stories about that fish that got away. When your spouse is talking to you, understand that they are telling you a story and listen attentively. Ask questions. Be an interested listener. Tell your own stories with enthusiasm.
Everyone needs to talk about work. Our work is whatever we do during the day. It represents the investment of at least 8 hours of our time and a great deal of our energy. After work, there is the need to digest those thoughts, to release that energy and put the day in perspective. By listening to your spouse's retelling of the day, you can learn what it has been like to be in their shoes and express your appreciation for their hard efforts. By denying them the opportunity to discuss their work, you may be denying yourself the opportunity to really know them. Worse, if you are not willing to listen, they will find someone else with whom to share these thoughts.
Make the physical connection. For the most part, our day is filled with cerebral activities. We think, we talk, we listen. At day's end, its time to shift gears into relaxation and the physical realm of life. Touch is the magic wand for transforming us from using our minds to using our bodies. To get your spouse's attention, make the physical connection through touch, hugs, and massage. It relieves tension and creates a greater sense of relaxation... more conducive to home life.
Couples need to be part of a network of friends. In order to keep things interesting, it is necessary to have interesting things to do. Friendships with other couples and families allow us to feel part of a community and expose us to new social ideas. Whether you like to entertain at home or go out with others, these activities are energizing and provide a shared activity for you and your late.

Marriage is a unique relationship defined by bonds of intimacy, sharing and commitment. In order for marriage to remain fresh and exciting, it is necessary to keep it alive and well-nourished. During the courtship phase, couples put forth special efforts to be romantic, exciting and interesting. But courtship is only the beginning... those same efforts are necessary throughout the years.

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Last Updated September 19, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.