From Dr. Jane's Notebook

On Mothers and Daughters

I was recently invited to give a talk on Mother-Daughter relationships. As both a mother and a daughter myself, I am blessed with the good fortune of enjoying both of these relationships in my personal life. As a family therapist, I can well appreciate the importance of this relationship in the lives of other women. But relationships between mothers and daughter are not always easy. Here are a few reasons why:

When a daughter is born, there is always the question of how much she will be like her mother. We usually expect boys to be different from us... and at unconscious levels, we expect our daughters to be like us. We want our daughters to value what we value, and to reject those things in life which we reject. To complicate things more, we want our daughters to have all of our best qualities and none of our worst qualities. This is quite a set of expectations.

When our daughters are different from us, it may be necessary to let go of pre-existing expectations in order to get to know the child we have... in order to see her as she really is, as a person in her own right.

Some of our expectations have to do with our birth order. Consider your birth order in your own family of origin. Older daughters are often entrusted with greater responsibilities. They are expected to care for and be role models for younger children. They may be expected to help out more with adult tasks, and may indeed be treated more frequently as adults, than children.

For younger daughters, life may be easier and less burdensome. But with less responsibility, younger daughters often experience a lack of attention. Many have described a feeling of being raised by their sisters instead of by their mothers.

Daughters also have great expectations of their mothers! Mothers serve as role models for their daughters. Daughters watch their mothers and learn about work, career, marriage, family relationships, sexuality, mothering and maternal instincts, love, punishment, control, social friendships, how to network, how to be supportive, and what they can expect from men.

Daughters have high expectations for mothers and often base their self-esteem and sense of self-worth on Mom's perception of herself. If daughters feel their mother's lack of confidence, it may weaken their own sense of self-confidence.

Once they are grown, mothers have to let go of their daughters. Mothers watch their daughters with dread. They worry about their daughter's survival physically, their sexual survival, social survival, personal survival, and relationship survival.

Mothers watch their daughters with high hopes that daughters will overcome any difficulties they themselves experienced and hope that their daughters will be more successful. They also hope that they will be able to follow-through with creating a next generation... grandchildren... survival of the species and family traditions.

The mother-daughter bond is fragile but unbreakable. Most daughters love their mothers more than they can acknowledge consciously. The bonds are strong and separation is painful. Throughout their lives, they must come together and then leave each other. This is difficult but inevitable and healthy for each. After each long-awaited and hard-travelled visit, my Mother and I have a saying... "now I go back to missing you."

Sometimes, when it is difficult to let go, a little conflict helps to create the emotional distance necessary to let go. For this reason, mothers and daughters often find themselves in disagreement or conflict just before saying good-bye. At some level, it makes the separation possible.

When damaged, Mother-daughter relationships can be repaired through listening and flexibility. Both need each other's support and encouragement... courage... as we all fight our individual battles to survive well and be safe, to be healthy and happy in our lives, and to feel fulfilled as women.

Return to Family Relationships

Return to Overcoming Loneliness

Return to Table of Contents

Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.