From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The Myth of Marriage Counseling

Marriage Counseling has long carried with it the stigma of "failure". Marriage counseling has been viewed as the "last stop before the lawyer", often as proof that the marriage was unsalvageable. But as so many couples have learned, divorce is not always the best or the easiest answer. As such, this article will attempt to provide a view of marriage counseling as it is practiced today.

In Marriage Counseling, the relationship is the patient. People are not viewed as sick or defective. There is no shame involved. In business, partners often require a facilitator to insure that all parties are satisfied and functioning well. When two people are involved in such important relationships as marriage and parenting, it is essential that they understand each other and communicate well. Marriage counselors assume that each partner is a fine individual, but that the relationship between them may need a tune-up.
Marriage is a complex system composed of people, relationships and lifestyle. Each of us desires to live our lives according to our own plan and value system. When we merge lifestyles, we may be unaware of differences that can create unhappiness. Add children to the picture and the difficulties multiply. It requires an effort to make things work and there is alot at stake. When trouble areas are spotted, it is generally best to seek help as soon as possible.
Conflicts can be resolved constructively without blaming either party. Many people assume that the "blame" will be cast their way if they enter into a discussion with a marriage counselor. However, the truth is that marriage counselors attempt to help both parties achieve their goals, not to change or blame one or other spouse. Each spouse's needs and desires are viewed as legitimate so long as neither party is being injured. Counseling is aimed at helping the relationship become more flexible and satisfying for all.
We often lack good role models for success in marriage. Unconsciously, we often try to recreate our families of origin. This means that we usually want to do things the way our parents did. Unfortunately, when parents' relationships were not functional or happy, we need to devise new methods for getting along in marriage. Marriage counseling can provide just this sort of education. Other conflicts arise when husband's family was organized differently than wife's family. Trying to combine these different ideas of what marriage should be, may turn out to be a tug-of-war or competition. Marriage counseling can help spouses arrive at compromises that will be pleasing to both parties.
What's love got to do with it? Going for counseling means you care to remedy your problems. It is not a sign of lack of love. Just as we go to medical doctors to maintain or regain our health, marriage counseling is equally important to the health of our marriage. When both partners participate, it is a shared experience which can enhance your love. Additionally, when couples learn to solve problems effectively, they gain greater confidence in their relationship, and the relationship gains a greater sense of stability.

As a secondary benefit, going for counseling demonstrates to our children that we are willing to solve problems, rather than just endure them or allow them to destroy the family. Modelling that we are willing and able to solve problems is a gift that we can give our children!

If and when marriage counseling becomes a necessary resource for you, be a wise consumer of these services. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy is the National accrediting body for over 8,000 Marriage and Family Counselors. For a referral in North Carolina, call (919) 266-6156. As with any medical or psychological provider, use your own judgement as well to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable and confident.

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Last Updated August 30, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.