From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Talking With Children

Children and Adults speak different languages. They see things from different perspectives, respond to adults with caution, and speak in code with their friends. For this reason, it takes a certain finesse and sincerity to communicate with a child. This article is dedicated to children under 10, and the parents who want to communicate with them.

Children live in the Here and Now. Though they may look forward to holidays and birthdays, the mental time frame of a child is today. Today, things happened that were either wonderful or catastrophic. Today, the world was a good or bad place. And though children remember the past, this moment is what's important.
Inform your child of your plans. Because they lack experience with many life situations, kids are unlikely to be prepared for change. When you tell your child about your plans for the day, they develop a sense of preparedness. Otherwise, life is a constant surprise. When a child feels constantly surprised, rather than informed, they also feel manipulated. When this gets uncomfortable, they tend to rebel through a wide variety of embarrassing behaviors!
To a Child, Play is the Priority. Play is to children, what talking is to adults. It is their way of interacting with each other... often non-verbally, sometimes with make-believe and through games in which they can make up the rules. It is a personal exchange of companionship. If you wish to pay attention to a child and get them to communicate with you, play a game with them. Play therapy has long been an effective way to help children open up and express the feelings, thoughts and frustrations of childhood.
Children need one-on-one attention and respect. Kids know when they are being treated with respect or sarcasm. Adults often unknowingly damage the self-esteem of children by poking fun or "picking" at them. Once again, children lack the experience to defend their self-worth and usually believe the things we say about them.
We are all still children on the inside. Though we grow up and pass through developmental stages of life, this is a cumulative process. Our personalities grow and snowball over time, molded by our experiences. When a child is abused, he or she remains abused all through their lives, even though the actual abuse may have ended a long time ago. By the same token, when we grow up with safe and trustworthy relationships with adults, we develop positive self-esteem and self-confidence that we also retain for the rest of our lives.

My son, who is nine, and I love to play board games. I have never developed the "hang" of electronic games, but games such as Monopoly, Life, Scrabble and Checkers, provide us with a world to explore. Sitting on the floor at the same eye level, we can play, talk, compete, change rules by democratic vote, and I can relate stories from my childhood. It is a time of sharing and a time when he can gain mastery and victories. Its a time of encouragement and closeness for both of us.

I'm reminded of the quotation that says "The best thing you can give your child is your time". "Quality Time" isn't just helping with homework... its also fun and play.

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Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.