From Dr. Jane's Notebook

You're Not Allowed to Get Sick

Dual career families face a host of challenges when it comes to raising children and managing two careers. Even when employers are understanding and flexible, it takes a concerted effort to manage the fine balancing act of being a top-notch parent, spouse and employee.

In the effort to achieve the near impossible goal of survival under these circumstances, beware of the following pitfalls...

Children are rarely sick at the same time. In families where there are multiple children, you can expect that one will become sick, just as the other becomes well enough to return to school. As a corollary to this rule, there's a 50% chance of a relapse in the well child, just as the other is well enough to return to school. "Sick Leave" is really a family affair.
Children resent mothers whether they work outside the home or not! In the effort to please our children and provide good quality time, we are often caught in the following "Catch-22". If we are overly available, children often take us "for granted" or experience us as smothering. If we are busy working to provide for their physical needs, we are often accused of not spending enough time with them.

My belief is that if you're going to take the "quality time" route, tell your children "this is your quality time". Otherwise, when you have finished playing all their games, they will continue to say, "Mommy, you never play with me!"

Just when you think you're being an excellent parent, your spouse will feel neglected. It is a monumental task to keep everyone in the family happy. Just when you feel caught up with the housework, have spent quality time with your children, and feel in control of your life, you may be reminded of that all-important role as a "carefree, sexy lover". At this point, it is essential to remain cool and meditate on the truth of this issue. We do have two relationships to maintain... that of spouse and that of parent. When parenting begins to dominate the situation, remind yourself of how things were B.C.... "before children".
If you're going to be great, you'd better take good care of yourself! If you want to succeed in your career, be an excellent and loving parent, and be a devoted and sexy spouse, you're going to need to be good to yourself! It takes alot of positive energy to master these various roles in your family. Mutual support and encouragement between spouses is a must. It is essential to feel that both of you are playing on the same team!
Teach your children how to treat their parents. Parents today often display shyness about teaching their children to be respectful. We may teach them about manners for use in public, but then, not require their use at home. When we fail to be assertive with our children and let them treat us disrespectfully, resentment and anger develops in our relationship. About this time, you may find yourself screaming and yelling in a way that you vowed never to do. To prevent feeling abused by your children, be respectful of them, and expect respectful treatment in return. Parent-child relationships are a two-way street.

Saundra Maass-Robinson, M.D., was recently quoted as saying, "Ultimately, parenting becomes the wonderfully rare opportunity of assisting in the development of life long friendships with very special people --- your own children". I couldn't more fully agree!

Return to Family Relationships

Return to Table of Contents

Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.