From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Establishing Relationships

Today, for a variety of reasons, many adults find themselves living as Singles. Some have divorced, others are widowed, some have just not found their life partner... yet! So, it is not uncommon for those who have been in successive relationships to find themselves a bit battle-worn by the ups, downs, hurts and disappointments.

Over the years, I have worked with a variety of singles of all ages. This article is dedicated to them.

It takes time to heal from past relationships. Whenever we experience a loss, we are left with a sense of confusion. We wonder what went wrong, we replay our roles in search of understanding, and we question how to avoid the same mistakes next time. These are important learnings, and it takes "longer than you think" to learn them! It is important not to "hurry" or rush ourselves into the next relationship, even when it is difficult to be alone.
It is important to learn from past relationships. In the end, we are left with memories. One constructive result is to analyze the relationship for the Red Flags that foretold of the mismatch in personalities, goals, and loss of communication. Many Red flags appeared at the beginning, and many were there all along.
In new relationships, apply the principles of friendship. New "love" relationships often come with an acccumulation of expectations, but good friendships are built just one step at a time. As with any developing friendship, we must grow closer at a comfortable pace. When it feels uncomfortable, you owe it to yourself to step back and appraise how you feel. You may be experiencing a Red Flag.
Each of us must be self-sufficient. No one else can bear the weight of meeting our needs; so we must be able to take care of ourselves. While single, become expert at standing on your own feet! Independence is a great personal quality; one which is often attractive to our next prospective partners.

Interpersonal relationships are a great challenge... both to establish and to maintain. Healthy relationships require enough flexibility to allow for personal growth of all members, and enough time for enjoyable companionship. And if I haven't mentioned it lately... we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled in our relationships!

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Last Updated November 14, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.