From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Flying Solo

When one spouse travels, leaving the other as full-time parent, the result is Solo Parenting... and the task is often great. In this usage, the word "great" should not be confused with "wonderful", but rather, refers to "attempting large challenges". In our society where business travel has become routine in many families, "solo parenting" is a reality. As such, it helpful to consider some its dimensions.

Solo Parenting is a Full-Time Job. Acting as both mother and father requires enormous effort and coordination. This is especially true in families where tasks of parenting are usually shared. From breakfast through bedtime, all responsibilities rest on the shoulders of one parent, instead of two.
Solo Parenting often requires unilateral decision-making. When the absent spouse is not around for consultation, it is important that they respect your decisions. Being "in charge" often requires "command decisions". Regardless of how these decisions turn out, it is important to receive support for your leadership. When support between parents is not given, all parental authority is undermined.
Solo Parenting interferes with sleep. For many, the absence of their mate creates a sense of having to "stay on guard". For this reason, solo parents often report restless nights, and trouble falling asleep. There appears to be a need to keep a more alert ear for trouble. This effort can take its toll, especially when its time to wake up the next morning. As such, solo parents may need some extra time to rest and get reorganized when their mate returns.
When spouses return, they need to acknowledge the family's "extra" efforts. Although the absent spouse may have been working hard, the family at home often feels like they too, have been on "special duty" taking care of their homelife in their parent's absence. For this effort, they need to feel appreciated. Its been a difficult mission, and its now time for their routine to return to normal.
Absent parents may have trouble feeling Included again. Sometimes families become used to a parent's absence, especially if it is a frequent occurance. In this case, the absent parent may feel more like an outsider, than a member of the family. The absent parent may feel that the family has adjusted "too well", and no longer expects them to participate. It is often difficult for families to shift gears. Upon return, it may be helpful to hold a "family meeting" to bring everyone up-to-date and back together.

Solo parenting is on the rise, as more occupations require travel. In order to cope, families may need different routines according to the number of parents that are in the home. When one spouse is absent, the other may involve him/herself more fully with the children. When the absent spouse returns, it may be difficult to re-establish the parental partnership. Once again, parents must decide together how to handle this challenge.

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Last Updated September 7, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.