From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Please Try Your Call Again!

Communication is a very delicate process. Whether you are speaking with someone who is going through puberty, menopause, mid-life crisis, or any other personal experience, it is ever so easy to be misinterpreted. How things are said becomes as critical as what is said. The list of factors involved in communicating is endless...but I thought I'd mention a few here.

Timing and false starts. I usually begin my day with a word of "Good Morning" to my children. The first response I usually get is, "I'm not going to camp/school". With this, I know my day's work has begun. If I were to accept this initial statement, my children would never go anywhere! As such, I often have to refine my greeting by giving them five more minutes to sleep it off... and then we try again!
Tone of voice and creating rebellions. Yell... and the world yells with you. The old adage, "its not what you say, but how you say it, continues to ring true. People usually respond in the same tone of voice that they hear; so if they think they've been barked at, they'll usually bark back. To enlist a civil response, consider softening your voice tone. The most assertive and effective leaders rarely need to raise their voices.
Interfering when someone is busy. We often want immediate responses to our requests, only to hear the equivalent of "I'll do it at the next commercial". Although this can be frustrating, its important to recognize that each of us is pursuing our own agenda, and it does take time to "shift gears". When we are interrupted by anothers' demands, we are left feeling "unfinished" with our own pursuits and thoughts, and often frustrated. As such, when trying to enlist someone's cooperation, remember that they are already doing something which is important to them... and so, for best results, their sense of timing should be respected.
The ease of being offensive. People are SO sensitive. They are easily bruised by words, tones of voice, looks and facial expressions. Our reactions to the communications of others are often based on past experiences in which we suffered loss of face or self-worth, and vowed never to take that kind of abuse again. When old memories are triggered, conscious or not, great misunderstandings can occur. When you sense discomfort in the listener, stop to discuss your meaning, and attempt to clear up misunderstandings early in the game.
The importance of erasers. If you've ever found yourself drowning in a misunderstanding, or having started a discussion on the wrong note, don't be afraid to ask permission to "start over". In our family it is not uncommon to hear the phrase, "please erase that thought... what I really meant to say was...". It is important to allow revisions in communication, because we often do interrupt others, ignore the fact that they are busy when we want their attention, or approach them in the wrong way. But that is no reason give up. Realizing that we are not perfect, and allowing others to "erase" and try again, is a useful family tradition. Even when we blow our lines, the message may still still be worthwhile.

The ability to communicate effectively is an important skill in every relationship. To determine the appropriate approach, it is valuable to "put yourself in the listener's place" and consider how they will feel listening to you, and how you would like to be approached if you were them.

Among the great communicators I have known was my son's kindergarten teacher, whose approach to her class was that of never raising her voice. This was truly a classroom where you could hear a pin drop. Her technique was to speak in the lowest audible decibel level at all times. Although many of her students might have had to crane their necks at times to hear her instructions, they also never missed a word. Communication is certainly not a matter of volume, but a matter of effectiveness. If your communications are not getting the desired results, "hang up and try your call again!".

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Last Updated August 30, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.