From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Mother's day will never be the same

I often talk with people about their parents and their grandparents. Some of us are fortunate to have memories of being loved unconditionally by a grandparent. When we moved my Mother to Greensboro in 2010, my children were able to see more of their grandmother, and we became a three generation family, all living in the same town. When my daughter and son-in-law gave birth last month and made me a Grandma, we became a four generation family, all living in the same town. My husband and I have long dreamed of this day and could not be happier. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

The very young and very old have very similar needs. Babies and their great grandparents have much in common. Both require help with eating, dressing and the basic activities of daily living. Their biorhythms may be similar; we have to slow down and be calm. Both need to be in the care of others who can accurately interpret their needs, satisfy them, and never leave them alone. Taking care of others is a huge commitment. We need to appreciate the “love work” we provide and give ourselves more pats on the back.
Becoming a parent changes your life. Caring for the physical and emotional needs of a child is an awesome and non-stop responsibility. Restful sleep becomes a thing of the past. The learning curve is steep for new parents. They go from knowing almost nothing about babies to being experts and advocates for their child. I want to reassure new parents that while sleep deprivation makes you feel mentally dull, you are actually getting smarter. Becoming a Mommy or Daddy changes everything forever.
Becoming a grandparent changes your life. Becoming a grandparent offers us a chance to play a role in the life of a child. It is not a do-over for how you parented your child; many things have changed. It is a time to learn from your child how to be a supportive grandparent. We must afford our children a new level of respect; we must avoid the temptation to be critical. This is a real opportunity to provide support and the kind of love that your grandchild will remember forever.
When baby-boomer turns grandma. In our four generation family, I now occupy the position of grandmother, mother and daughter. The birth of a grandchild opens up a world of new things to do. I feel privileged as I watch this baby’s life unfold. I want her to know that I love her unconditionally. I want her to feel safe, protected, and excited about life.

Carlos Casteneda wrote about the Teachings of Don Juan, a Native American shaman who dwelled in the desserts of New Mexico. According to Don Juan, when we become a parent, we develop a hole in the middle of our abdomen. This is the place where we feel connected to our children forevermore. I think I feel another hole opening up inside of me.

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