I have always been a huge fan of Bill Cosby, so it was like
a dream come true when he was here in Greensboro. He did not disappoint; we
laughed non-stop for an hour and a half while he wove his wisdom into funny
stories about life. I especially appreciated his take on
dementia, a
topic near and dear to my heart. As some of my readers know, my Mother has been
waging the battle against progressive cognitive decline for at least 10 years
and has a condition known as vascular dementia. Here are a few more thoughts on
the matter.
Dementia Happens. As we age, we are fortunate
whenever medical problems can be solved. Even with all of our advancements
in modern science, the brain remains the most difficult organ to fix.
Dementia steals our ability to learn new things, to think clearly, to take
care of ourselves, and to remember things from one moment to the next.
Caring for a loved one with dementia requires a shift in the way we think. I
often feel like I am straddling two different realities as I visit the world
of my Mother and then work to interpret her needs.
Dementia has a language all its own.
When you speak to someone who has
dementia, be prepared to time travel. Topics of conversation topics may
pertain to any point in time. While we usually think about the past but
remember that we’re in the present, those with dementia have a difficult
time differentiating time. It becomes difficult to distinguish between the
past and the present, and who knows about the future? But we all have these
great memory banks which we can revisit. After all, we’ve been collecting
memories for years. My mother and I have decades of shared history that we
revisit together.
Include your loved one by sharing your world.
Even when folks are unable to express
themselves, their ability to understand may be intact. Even when they are
quiet, this person is listening to everything that goes on around them. They
usually appreciate when we take time to explain what’s going on and they may
even have thoughts to share. I am fortunate to have in my mother, the
perfect confidante. She listens well and never betrays a confidence. I do
not hold back information about my life for two reasons. First because
secrets create barriers between people; and second, because I don’t want
just a one-way relationship. Emotionally, I need to be able to lean on her a
little bit too.
Dementia has a new set of rules. Calm music may
be calming. Loud music may provoke anxiety. Play music from their favorite
genre and sing familiar tunes together. Television may be disturbing.
Whenever possible, avoid the news. Play movies that the person has seen
before. Stick to musicals, comedies and shows that feature their favorite
actors. Avoid commercials and keep
things upbeat. Stories of loss and sadness can cause depression and fear. It
is our job to create a comforting environment.
Dementia changes our spatial preferences. People
with dementia erect a zone of space around themselves. Though you cannot see
the walls, you must be respectful and essentially, knock before you enter.
When I first arrive at my Mother’s house, I walk up to her, speak to her and
let her eyes focus on me rather than rushing up to her with hugs and kisses.
Her mind needs a few moments to adjust to my presence and engage her
recognition. I find that our best visits occur when I slow down and move at
her pace.
According to Bill Cosby, dementia begins for all of us at
about age 5. When we’re little kids or big kids, and someone asks why we didn’t
do something, we naturally reply, “I forgot”.
Cosby
normalizes dementia as something that starts early in life. We forget to do
things all the time. Cosby says that kids and husbands always get into
trouble for things they forget to do. Some of us compare people who have
dementia with how that person used to be, and then look on with pity. I like to
compare my Mom with how she was yesterday. All things considered, she usually
says or does something quite remarkable and I get to walk away with a smile.
©Copyright, 2013, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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