When love has gone terribly wrong and divorce leaves people
alone, the desire to be in a new relationship is compelling. After all, people
love to fall in love, love to get engaged, and love to put on a wedding, but the
building of a strong marriage after the wedding is a completely different
challenge. Chronically high divorce rates in first, second, and third marriages
reveal the difficulty of this task. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.
Create a blueprint for what each
of you wants in the marriage. Like any
successful venture, marriage requires a plan. This is difficult since most
of us know more about what we don’t want, than what we do want. Remarriage
and combining families is tantamount to merging two corporations. To put it
mildly, there is much confusion at the beginning. This is no time to be
quiet about what you feel. Couples get into trouble when they stop talking
to each other about the daily problems they need to solve together.
Relationships do not exist in
isolation. Couples fall in love when for a
moment they are alone and everything clicks. But each of us comes with
family members who will continue to play a strong role in our lives.
Ex-spouses, parents, children and even grandchildren may come with the
package. Relatives who are not even alive or present may be unseen driving
forces that come with remarriages. Get to know this family that you will be
marrying.
While divorce legally ends a marriage, family ties are
forever.
Be careful not to displace each
other. When re-coupling, there is a great
temptation to divvy up the family roles without reviewing how that’s
working. For various reasons, biological parents sometimes relinquish
authority over the kids to new step-parents. In spite of good intentions,
this rarely works out well because children need direct access to their
biological parents. Efforts to achieve healthy and respectful bonds take
time and trust. Biological parents who want to please both their children
and their new mates have a tough juggling act that will require a great deal
of flexibility from all parties.
Relationships need rules and
constitutional amendments. Regular “family
meetings” between spouses give couples a forum for discussing the progress
of their merger. The merging of families affects all areas of life.
Good or bad, all changes in the family cause a great deal of chaos before
achieving a new healthier reorganization. I recommend that couples keep a
special notebook in which to identify various family problems, solutions,
and progress in the effort to achieve the goals in their “marriage
blueprint”. Have regular “meetings” to evaluate how things are going.
Without these efforts, it is all too easy to find yourself facing another
divorce.
People remarry for many different
reasons. While being single is often lonely and overwhelming, it is wise to be
very selective when dating and getting to know prospective partners. Take time
to find someone who shares your concept of teamwork. Wait for someone who values
you and wants to co-create a healthy life together. You deserve the best and
those who love you will appreciate your patience!
©Copyright, 2013, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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