The ability to manage
conflict is essential in healthy love relationships. While I often encourage
couples to “bring their problems to the table” and brainstorm solutions
together, I know this requires a fair amount of trust. We have to trust that we
won’t be criticized, scolded or rejected. We have to trust that differences of
opinion won’t turn into painful fights. Our love relationships are very precious
to us. While there’s no escaping conflict, it is possible to use conflicts
constructively. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.
Working through conflicts brings
us closer together.
Initially, all relationships are superficial. Relationships deepen when we
achieve new levels of understanding and when we survive difficulties
together. Couples who have been together a long time have usually survived a
variety of trials and tribulations. When we combine our knowledge and
experiences, we can help each other solve problems and we can watch each
other’s back!
We are always learning about
ourselves and each other.
Every one of us is like a tree. Each day we sprout a few new leaves, we
stretch a little further, and we grow in some direction that changes us.
This is a healthy part of life. Ideally, being in a relationship affords us
someone who will help us celebrate that growth. Best friends share the story
of their day, knowing that they will be encouraged, applauded or just
listened to. Agree ahead of time not to criticize and not to be judgmental.
Problem solving takes a bit of
time and patience.
If you wish to discuss a particular issue with your beloved, give him/her
the gift of fair-warning. Usually we want to talk about things after we have
thought about them for awhile, but our mates may be clueless that
something’s on our mind. To be fair, our partners deserve a warning and some
time to think about issues before being put on the spot. Say “ I’d like to
have a conversation about money, sex, children, relatives, jealousy etc… not
now, but let’s make a date to talk”. Good joint decisions require unrushed
thought and open discussion. Agree ahead of time to work on problems until a
mutually satisfying solution is found. Patience, trust and perseverance are
valuable building blocks in long-term relationships.
Stick and stones do break bones
and names do hurt relationships.
It is important to cool down when you are angry and avoid saying anything
you might later have to apologize for. Every name that is called leaves a
scar on our trust. Once there is scar tissue, it can feel unsafe to be open
in a relationship. Before uttering cruel words, consider that they may cost
you the entire relationship. There is a very steep price for losing your
cool.
When children sit down to
play a game, they almost always ask each other, “what are the rules?” After all,
different people play by different rules. We all bring differences to the table
and to our relationships; that doesn’t make one of us right and one of us wrong.
In the beginning, we are attracted to each other’s differences. Over time, our
differences can continue to keep things interesting!
©Copyright, 2012, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
Return to Love and Marriage
Return to Table of Contents