Last year, when our grown
and married children moved back to Greensboro, my husband and I found that our
empty nest would soon be filled again with our daughter and son-in-law. We
welcomed them with open arms. More and more families have returned to life in
multi-generational households. So while this is not an unusual situation,
bringing two married couples under one roof offers unique challenges. Here are a
few more thoughts on the matter.
Moving in is different from just
a visit.
While it is relatively easy to make room for short-term company, longer
visits require a bit of reorganization. Your first task is to make the new
occupants feel welcomed. This decision lies at the very heart of successful
family reintegration. If your welcome is insincere, it will be obvious and
an unpleasant attitude will soon pervade the premises. Sit down as a family,
acknowledge that it’s difficult for everybody, and talk about things.
Your children are not just your
children.
Before our kids leave home, we expect them to live by our rules. But once
grown children have lived independently, it’s important to respect that they
have their own way of doing things. Successful co-habitation requires
openness to new ideas, respect for individual differences, and talking about
expectations for how to share space and resources.
Come up with creative ways to share the work.
Household tasks are never 50-50 in families but if everybody helps out, it’s
possible for things to feel fair! Communal living can bring fresh energy in
to the household. With the right attitude, life can become more fun and
interesting for everyone. During the 10 months when our grown children lived
with us, each couple took turns cooking dinner and each tried to top the
other in gourmet recipes. The food got better, our kitchen began to feel
like a restaurant, and then we all joined the gym! But while we took turns
cleaning up after dinner, we were careful not to “keep score”.
We agreed that it was everyone’s job to
maintain some level of order and help out continuously.
Problems should be aired quickly and respectfully.
Don’t let problems simmer, but do take time to cool down before expressing a
complaint. It’s easy to step on each other’s toes. When it comes to sharing
time and space under the same roof, this arrangement can be equally
stressful for both couples. While it’s not easy to open your home to others
and sacrifice privacy, it’s also not easy for adult children move into their
parents’ home and give up their independence, no matter how temporary.
The old expression “Treat you friends like family and your
family like friends” suggests that treating your new “roommates” with the same
manners you would extend to guests works better than expecting or demanding
their help. When it works, living with adult children and their partners allows
families to blend naturally and develop new sources of intergenerational
support. In our case, I am truly grateful for the ten months our family spent
living together. The experience allowed us time to get to know our daughter as a
grownup, married woman and time to get to know our son-in-law, who now feels
much more like a son. Opening your doors to family, whether for short or for
longer periods of time, can offer unexpected benefits to all.
©Copyright, 2012, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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