Spring is a time when we celebrate Mother’s Day and
Father’s Day and reflect upon family. Maintaining good family relationships is
an art form that depends largely on emotionally healthy individuals, good
boundaries, and strong marriages. As grown children, we are fortunate if our
parents are alive and even more fortunate if they are in good health. As
parents, we are fortunate if we enjoy loving relationships with our children. As
spouses, we are especially fortunate if we have (or have had) good marriages.
Needless to say, all of this takes a bit of work. Here are a few more thoughts
on the matter.
·
Affection and Communication. Needs that never
go away. Research shows that talking
and touching cause people to feel loved, loving and in love. No matter how old
we get, we never outgrow our need for affection. While some people need
more and others less, physical contact remains an important way to affirm love
and validate each other. But when children come along, some couples make the
mistake of redirecting their affection almost exclusively towards the children,
as if grown-ups don’t need it anymore. Likewise
some couples stop talking the way they used to, forgetting that communication is
essential to help us feel connected and synchronized.
·
Don’t let your marriage get
lost in the family. We have to remember that when spouses get together at
the end of the day, no matter how busy we are with the kids, the house or
anything else, it is vitally important to pay attention to our mates. Ideally,
whatever tasks need to be done can be done together while we speak with and
listen to one another. Besides, it is usually more fun to do things together,
and it is certainly easier to pitch in and lend a hand than to fight about why
we didn’t.
·
Sexuality and Compromise. Secrets to success.
One tragic myth in our society is the one that suggests, the longer you’re
married, the less you need sex. On the contrary, regular sexual encounters serve
to strengthen relationships and personal vitality. Some say that sex was
designed to be life long as evidenced by the fact that you can do it ‘til you’re
90 and you can do it lying down. Regardless, the secret to an ongoing sex life
lies in a couple’s ability to talk about sex, their capacity to adapt to
physical changes and their willingness to seek medical help for problems. Like
the rest of our bodily functions, some things change over time, some things
don’t. With a little effort, spouses can maintain healthy sexual relationships,
continue to feel that special closeness, and continue to feel passionate about
love.
·
Just as parents cannot be all things to their grown children, grown
children cannot be all things to their parents.
If we are lucky enough to live long lives, eventually we will need help
to adequately address our needs. Just as grown children should not take
advantage of their parents’ generosity, parents should not be overly-demanding
of children who love their parents too much to say “no”. While it is good and
healthy to pitch in and help family members during crises, we must all strive to
stand on our own so that the help we give and receive comes from the heart and
not from guilt. For children with children, this means that sometimes you should
pay for a babysitter, and for older parents, this means that sometimes you
should hire someone outside the family to help out with your healthcare needs.
A friend of mine recently came by my office wearing a
T-shirt that read, “Contrary to popular belief, nobody owes you anything”. While
the message seems harsh, unsympathetic, and cast in a puddle of bad humor, there
is also a little bit of truth behind this quip. The message may mean that just
because you’re married, your spouse will not automatically stay in love with
you. Or that just because you have kids together, that’s all you need for a
happy marriage. Or that because you’ve given birth and raised someone, this
justifies laying guilt trips on them regardless of the personal cost to your
kids. Perhaps it also means that we have to work at love, we have to be prepared
to change and compromise, and we should strive toward balance in our family
relationships… neither asking and nor giving too little or too much.
©Copyright, 2011, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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