The ability to
manage conflict is essential in healthy love relationships. While I often
encourage couples to “bring their issues to the table” and engage in a process
of brainstorming solutions together, I am aware that this requires a fair amount
of trust. Relationships are precious to us and fights are painful. But conflict
avoidance is also painful. Ideally, we find ourselves in relationships where we
can feel free to be ourselves without fear of rejection. To achieve this goal,
it may be necessary to agree on some rules for managing conflicts. Here are a
few more thoughts on the matter.
·
Working through conflicts
brings us closer together.
Initially, all relationships are superficial. Relationships deepen when we
achieve new levels of understanding and when we survive difficulties together.
Couples who have been together a long time have usually survived a variety of
trials and tribulations together. All of these life experiences help us mature
and develop skills. When we combine our knowledge and experiences, we can help
each other solve problems and we can watch each other’s back!
·
We are always learning about
ourselves and each other. Every one
of us is like a tree. Each day we sprout a few new leaves, we stretch a little
further, and we grow in some direction that changes us. This is a healthy part
of life. Ideally, being in a relationship affords us someone who will help us
celebrate that growth. Best friends share the story of their day, knowing that
they will be encouraged, applauded or just listened to. Agree ahead of time not
to criticize and not to be judgmental.
·
Problem solving takes a bit of
time and patience. If you wish to
discuss a particular issue with your beloved, give them the gift of
fair-warning. Usually issues come to the surface after we have thought about
them for awhile. To be fair, our partners deserve a warning and some time to
think about these same issues before being put on the spot. For instance, it
should be okay to say, “ I’d like to have a conversation about money, sex,
children, relatives, or avoiding jealousy… not now but at some point over the
next few days”. Ideally, every problem can be solved constructively but good
solutions to problems may require a bit of thought and open discussion. You can
agree ahead of time to solve problems together and agree to work on problems
until a good solution is found. Patience, trust and perseverance are valuable
building blocks in long-term relationships.
·
Stick and stones do break
bones and names do hurt relationships.
It is important to cool down when you are angry and avoid saying anything you
might later have to apologize for. Every name that is called leaves a scar on
our trust. Once there is scar tissue, it is no longer safe to be open in a
relationship. Before uttering cruel words, consider that they may cost you the
entire relationship. There is a very steep price to losing your cool.
When children sit
down to play a game, they almost always ask each other, “what are the rules?”
This is an attempt to make agreements before conflicts occur. It also recognizes
that different people play by different rules. We all bring differences to the
table and to our relationships. Hopefully, our differences are recognized as
features which attract us to each other and sources of mutual respect. As the
saying goes, opposites attract. What could be better than celebrating our
differences and learning new things from the ones we love?
©Copyright, 2011, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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