As I approach the age of
Grandmothers, I notice more clearly how significant age differences are in our
society. While age differences were always there, I’m certain that there used to
be more people who were older than me. I am beginning to feel happy just to wake
up in the morning and know that I haven’t been kicked off the island yet. So
far, I am still in the game. Along with their father, I have raised two
beautiful children who are now grown up and self-sufficient. On this Mother’s
Day, I will experience the rare joy of spending time with both my mother and my
daughter. For a brief moment in time, my invisible umbilical cords will feel
less stretched out than usual. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.
·
Our first relationship was with our mother.
It is easy to become sentimental when we think back to our first relationship,
that private and special one-to-one connection with mother. Whether they are our
mothers biologically or by adoption, it was she who gave us the building blocks
for our future. In most cases, it was our mother who noticed our unique
strengths and weaknesses and who came to our rescue when we needed an advocate.
It was our mother who held us close when we were frightened and taught us how to
navigate through our lives.
·
Disappointment and unpleasant memories can
surely get in the way. Ideally we remember
the times when she was our heroine, our role model, our Mrs. America and our
greatest fan. But all too often, we think of her shortcomings. If we are lucky
enough that our mothers are still alive, it is easy to compare her to the way
she used to be. When we look at her, we may feel disappointed by her lack of
mobility and youthfulness. We may be disappointed that she is too tired to be
the grandmother we thought she would always be. It may be difficult to reconcile
comparisons of our mother, before and now. But just as she noticed our potential
long before we grew to maturity, it is now our job to remember her strengths and
remind her of the good times we have shared.
·
Mothers continue to matter long after we leave
home. Our mothers occupy a certain part of
our hearts which is often too delicate to discuss. Yet just below the surface of
our everyday lives, unkind words about our mothers may unleash an unparalleled
display of rage and loyalty upon the offender. Even if our mothers were not
good enough mothers, there is an
innate awareness of her contribution to our lives. As children, our very
existence and survival was in her hands. As a grown-up, we may still continue to
seek her love and approval.
·
And when we become mothers.
Some years later, you may have also become a mother. In this case, “to mother”
becomes an active verb which involves making a lifelong commitment to another
being, human or otherwise. Being a mother involves taking responsibility for
safety, health, education, social connections and other necessities. To be a
mother is a 24/7 job which changes and evolves over time but which never ends.
To mothers, our children feel like extensions of us. So no matter how old they
get, we still blame ourselves when our children skin their knees or can’t find
work or fail in their relationships.
Having a mother and being a
mother are life experiences which are wrought with opportunities for love,
guilt, joy, worry and every other human emotion. As such, our survival at times
may depend on our ability to step back and be rational! As separate human
beings, we will not always be able to anticipate each others’ needs and wants.
As each of us grows and changes over time, we will not always like each others’
choices. Even with a lifetime of love and connection, it is important to develop
and maintain respectful boundaries.
This Mother’s Day is a great time
to focus on positive feelings for our own mothers, step-mothers, mothers-in-law,
grandmothers, second-mothers who we’ve adopted into our lives, friends and those
who have dedicated themselves to caring for others all over the globe. Happy
Mother’s Day!
©Copyright, 2010, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.
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