From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Just a little love...

Here it is again. Like it or not, the month of the Valentine is a time when we think about romance, remember the best part of relationships and often reach into the past in the effort to capture some memory of ourselves at our best. All around us, people are looking to get in relationships or out of relationships. While most desire intimacy, love is difficult to find and even more difficult to sustain. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Falling in love is energizing. Some of the happiest people on earth are those who have recently fallen in love. When the chemistry is just right and the time is just right, human beings are drawn to each other like magnets. Sometimes they see in each other the qualities which are missing in their own lives. Sometimes they simply need someone to be with. New love brings with it an infectious enthusiasm which tends to bring out the best in us. Maintaining that enthusiasm is the real challenge!
Staying in love requires communication. It is relatively easy to pinpoint the moment when love goes wrong. Sometimes it happens over a difference of opinion. Sometimes love turns sour when our loved one’s actions clash with our expectations. Instead of overlooking our problems with each other, this is the time to talk. Looking back, the point of no return was often accompanied by reasons like “I didn’t want to nag or fight or rock the boat; I didn’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings”.
Before we can find another to love, we must first find ourselves. Relationships are destined to fail when we become involved before we are ready. After relationships, we need time to heal and remember who we are. Each of us feels strongly about our likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, when love and attraction comes knocking at our door, we tend to put aside our own preferences in favor of compromise. All too often, relationships are approached like an audition for a play. By keeping our true selves at bay, we may get the part but hate the act we have to maintain when life returns to normal. Sometimes the opportunity for love compels us to ignore differences in our personal values. Rather than defend our differences and risk the loss of love, we sometimes overlook those differences in hopes that our partner will magically change.
Staying in love requires room for both to grow. As human beings, we have the remarkable ability to set goals and work towards them. With each success, we experience a boost in our self-esteem which then motivates us toward even more growth and change. Self-esteem and self-confidence are qualities that make us attractive and we tend to be attracted to people who support our efforts to succeed. Ideally we serve as trustworthy confidantes who help bring out the best in each other. While we may not always agree, it is vitally important to remain interested in each others’ trials and tribulations. Trouble comes about when we become overly critical and attempt to block each others’ opportunities for success. When we seek to hold each other back, it usually backfires!

In short, there may be a difference between having a relationship and being in a relationship. Simply having a relationship suggests ownership and achieving a certain status regardless of one’s satisfaction. But the essence of being in a relationship suggests a focus on one’s partner, respect for one’s self, and a willingness to care deeply enough to fix the problems that predictably arise in every healthy loving relationship.

While each relationship is unique, love is difficult and challenging as described in the song lyrics of singer-songwriter, Andy Scott.

Love…. washing over me
Cooling off my soul like a summer’s rain
Eternal flame, Love and pain.
Here I go again falling deep in love
my emotions love and pain.

Pain… raging over me
Like a hurricane, I am blinded.
Driving me insane, Love and pain
Here I go again falling deep in love
my emotions love and pain.

----Andy Scott (with permission)

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