From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The fine art of holiday family get-togethers

Family reunions and family gatherings can be wonderfully renewing or emotionally draining. One way or the other, they are always a lot of work. Because people often have great expectations for the holidays, it’s a good idea to think it out ahead of time. Here are a few of my thoughts on the matter.

Make specific plans but remain flexible. Family reunions need some amount of organization, but try not to over-control things. Different age groups like different amounts of activity. Some folks like quieter and more sedentary activities, while others want to be busy all the time. The key to keeping both groups happy is to make a list of “possible” plans. Actually I suggest two lists. The first list should include activities that require leaving the house such as restaurants, craft fairs, religious events, or museums. A second list should include activities which can be done at home, such as outdoor games like Frisbee, indoor activities, cooking and clean-up squads. Further suggestions are given below.
Take time for one-on-one conversations. Family gatherings are important opportunities for communication. Large group discussions are great times for sharing stories about past holidays and re-telling family history. Children especially love these moments. Then if you want to get to know your relatives in a more personal way, be sure to take time for one-on-one conversations. Relationships tend to grow when we take time for private moments and create the opportunity for heart-to-heart exchanges.
Get to know each other over again. People change all of the time. Children grow, teenagers mature, and adults become parts of couples or become single again. Some gain new employment, others relocate and almost all of us develop new interests over time. These accomplishments result in personality changes and personal growth. Take time to learn new things about the members of your family, and remember to share information about your own life. As friends and relatives, we can take great pride in each other’s accomplishments so remember to congratulate each other on your achievements. Usually there are no sweeter compliments than those we hear from the people we are close to.
Build upon family strengths, not weaknesses. Beware of relatives who thrive upon the misfortune of others! It is easy for conversations to degenerate into hurtful gossip sessions which can scar your family occasion. It is up to each one of us to stop negative conversations in their tracks and redirect the discussion. Ideally, the holidays are times to focus on the positive, not the negative. If a family feud already exists, give thought to “burying the hatchet” and extend the hand of forgiveness to someone with whom you’ve had a problem. Life is too short and family relationships are too precious to be permanently scarred.

Now for the indoor activities… In the effort to improve communication and playfulness this holiday, I recommend that you assemble an arts and crafts table in the room where people will gather after the meal. Nothing fancy; just regular paper, construction paper, crayons and whatever office supplies you have around the house. Then find out what happens when you casually invite people to use these materials to make holiday cards, draw pictures, or just be creative. And if you have more room, load up another table with a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle or games like Scrabble or Monopoly. These activities have a way of bringing together young and old and they provide new opportunities for family bonding. Getting the crowd to communicate may be easier than you thought.

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