From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Talking with teens

It is not unusual for parent-child relationships to become strained during the teenage years. These are the years when kids need to develop their own identity. As a part of normal development, children either experiment with different ways of being in the world or they settle for identities assigned to them. Settling for an assigned identity is another word for becoming a “people pleaser”. Parents and siblings should feel honored to be part of this trial-and-error experimentation because you represent the trusted family circle. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Are you a trustworthy adult? The highest compliments are paid to trustworthy adults. Contrary to popular myth, trustworthy adults do not always agree with teenagers, but they can influence even the most headstrong of kids with just a few words. The difference is that trustworthy adults usually do most of the listening. They teach through their own consistent actions and give feedback based upon the same code of ethics to which they hold themselves accountable.
You can’t listen and talk at the same time. Rather than exercising influence through criticism, adults are well advised to carefully listen to the young person’s logic. When we listen to our children, they also have a chance to listen to themselves. Once kids say what’s on their mind and know that you are listening, it’s a lot easier for them to listen to your opposing views. But when we refuse to listen to their perspectives, we automatically lose their trust. This is true in all sorts of relationships… not just with your kids.
Develop an interest in the culture of your child. Your children participate in their youth culture on a daily basis. Only the rare adult is privy to understanding that culture. Usually we expect children to appreciate the adult culture that we have to cope with at work, in our neighborhoods, and in our families. We complain a lot about our stress, but ignore the fact that each day they face their own stressors. Kids choose their friends for very specific reasons. They also have strong feelings about the music they like, the teachers they can relate to, and even their own spiritual understandings about life. There is always a lot to learn from and about our kids.
Remember your own experiences as a teenager. If you view your child’s adolescence as a battleground, try to remember that for them, it is also a minefield which they are trying to successfully navigate. Recall the adults who you trusted during the difficult years when you were a kid. What qualities did they possess?
Try this exercise. To gain objectivity with your own child, imagine how differently you might listen to a teenager who is your niece, a nephew or the child of your good friend. Also consider whether your child possesses certain family traits which make them even more difficult to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard to see or hear your child accurately because they remind you of other family relationships. Your relationship with your child is a precious reward of life; it is never too late to try to improve it.

In the movie, Bringing Down the House, Steve Martin demonstrates a breakthrough in communication with his teenage daughter after she is rescued from a wild party by trusted adult, Queen Latifah. He learns that by listening without being judgmental, even he can become a trusted parent, privy to the truth about his daughter’s life as an adolescent. As the Dad, Martin doesn’t pretend it will be easy to hear the truth about his daughter’s social life. The truth is not always pleasing. But by knowing the truth, we avoid being left in the dark. Perhaps the best way to protect your children is by learning how to listen to them, and remembering that they are always watching and learning by the way that we behave.

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