From Dr. Jane's Notebook

On my way! Becoming the Mother of the Bride

When asked what they want to be when they grow-up, very few children describe the goal of someday becoming an in-law. But as Betsy Seale, Editor-in-chief of the Hamburger Square Post can attest, many of her friends, herself included, have become in-laws in recent years. Some of us are only slowly approaching this new stage of life, while others are knee-deep in the hooplah of planning weddings or becoming grandparents. While my husband and I are no experts, we have made a few observations during these months prior to the wedding itself. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

How do you feel about new family? When I was in elementary school, the end of each school-year meant giving up my comfort zone (or discomfort zone) and preparing for a new classroom full of people next year. Sometimes it was difficult to accept a new teacher, new rules, new kids and new schedules; I came to expect a little bit of protest from myself each fall. Eventually however, new friendships and alliances were formed and soon I would feel comfortable in these new relationships.
The announcement of engagements, weddings and commitment ceremonies are also a sign that relationships are about to change. For the sake of the new couple, both families are being asked to open up their borders and let new folks in. While it is normal to be a bit skeptical and even shy initially, it is up to us parents to welcome each other as new relatives. To increase your chances of success, this is an excellent time to practice being less critical, judgmental and demanding of yourself and those around you.
If you’re not a bride or groom, this isn’t your wedding. The first official act as Bride and Groom is to introduce themselves as a married couple to the community. Since the wedding is supposedly a reflection of their combined taste and social-economic values, it really should be the result of their combined decision-making. Later on and perhaps throughout their lives, the couple will look back on this event either with love and pride, or they may feel anger and resentment if their wishes were overlooked. All too often, well-intentioned parents who are footing the bill consider the wedding as if it were their own wedding. When attempting to get your own way, it is easy to unintentionally step on the toes of others. Remember simply that the goal is to make the bride and groom happy without anyone going bankrupt.
Don’t veto someone else’s plans in motion. There are many tasks involved in the planning and execution of a wedding. No one can do the whole job alone so a certain amount of delegation is necessary. This is where things can get tricky. If you assign a task, try to establish guidelines in the beginning (the budget, color scheme, etc.), then be respectful of the result. Don’t tell someone to design an invitation, then redesign it. Don’t tell someone else to order napkins, then criticize their choice... especially if that someone else is a bride, groom, or member of your new family. If in spite of your best intentions, someone’s feelings get hurt accidentally, be sure to apologize quickly for any misunderstanding. This is no time to start a family feud.
Keep your eye on the prize. Ideally, the acquisition of new relatives will go more like seamless surgery than a botched butcher job. Ideally, your new son-in-law or daughter-in-law will feel close to you, and your family will expand and grow in a healthy direction. But achieving this ideal demands that you open your heart and your home to your new children with unselfish love. If parents compete for the attention and affection of the new couple, they may place their children under intolerable stress and strain. If your goal is to be close with your children and hopefully your grandchildren, you must become more flexible and less demanding to prevent pushing them away from you.

As I said at the beginning of this article, I am certainly not an expert but I am trying to learn a few things as I approach both the wedding and my new role as a mother-in-law. When all else fails, I will remember a few simple guidelines that I learned as a kid. When 6-year old children sit down to play a game, they are usually well-aware that playing a game with another child can go well or it can be a disaster. To avoid fights and promote a more peaceful, fun time together, most kids like to start their play by first agreeing: what are the rules and who is supposed to do what. Otherwise, even if we do what we think we’re supposed to do in order to win this wedding marathon, we still run the risk that someone will go home crying. So far, I am certain that every wedding is too expensive for that!

Return to Family Relationships

Return to Table of Contents