From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Goals: Measuring and defining success

The Story of Howard Hughes, as portrayed in the movie “The Aviator” depicts this legendary character at about the age of seven, stating three goals: to make the biggest movies, build the fastest airplanes, and become the richest man in the world. While not all of us aim as high as the late Howard Hughes, this movie scene does suggest the value of identifying life goals and keeping them firmly in mind. In a world where almost anything is possible, most of us measure our success at various stages of life, by whether or not we have met certain goals. For this reason, it is extremely helpful to identify and clarify our goals ahead of time. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Visions versus Comparisons. Some people are self-directed. They have a vision of where they are going on a road that lies clearly ahead. In a race, these folks judge themselves on things like time and strategy. Others, who are not sure of where they are going, may rely on a comparison approach. In this approach, we compare ourselves against others as a way to measure our success. Life becomes the kind of race where compared to those who are ahead of us, we are failing; but compared to those who are behind us, we are succeeding. Personally, I think it is unfortunate when success and failure are based on our perceptions of others, rather than on our own achievements.
Self-esteem versus poor self-esteem. Self-esteem is also negatively affected by interpersonal comparisons. Comparing ourselves to others is an easy way to tap into negative feelings. At least when we judge ourselves against ourselves, we have a fair shot at feeling good about ourselves and our accomplishments. For those who wish to improve their self-esteem, I recommend comparing yourself only to your self. Build your self-esteem by learning new things and trying new challenges.
Committed relationships versus isolation. In committed relationships, we place value on teamwork. It’s all for one, and one for all. Successful couples and partnerships realize that together, they can accomplish more than either could accomplish alone. Within this partnership, resources, finances, losses and victories are shared. On the other hand, some couples and partnerships are really “isolation in disguise”. There is no sharing of thoughts, plans or resources. Competition actually lies within these relationships, and secrets are kept from each other. Here the emphasis lies on separation and individuation. The problem is, as Abe Lincoln so aptly stated, “A house divided cannot stand”.
Meaning versus meandering. Much of what we pass down to our children is our philosophy of life. We may place value on money or education or possessions or relationships. We may attribute success to luck, hard work, perseverance or superstition. We may become fortunate through planning, goal achievement, happenstance or thievery. We may choose simplicity, humbleness, eccentricity or lavish waste. The point is that whether we are conscious or not about our approach, our children are always watching and learning by our example.

As parents, our task is to prepare our children for independence and a life of their own. We cannot take credit for their success, and they should not base their success upon us. Our children have to establish their own lives, set their own goals, and find their own sources of happiness. All too soon, they will be on their own and we will no longer be there to rescue them. However, we can prepare them for their futures by encouraging them to be themselves. Perhaps the best first aid kit for our children will be the one that helps them to establish, to remember, and to be true to their own goals in life.

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