From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The fine art of family reunions

Family reunions and family gatherings can be wonderfully renewing or emotionally disastrous. One way or the other, they are always a lot of work, so it is a good idea to give these events some serious forethought and planning. If your family is like mine, people have to travel from long distances to be together. This requires special effort and special challenges, and it is likely that both frustrations and expectations will run high. To maximize the chance that your next family reunion will be a rewarding and enjoyable experience, please consider the following thoughts.

Make specific plans but remain flexible. Family reunions need some amount of organization, but beware not to try to over-control things. Different age groups like different amounts of activity. Some like quieter and less physical plans; others want to be busy at all times. The key to keeping both groups happy is to have a combination of “possible” plans. I suggest two lists. The first list should include activities that the whole group can do together, such as meals, craft fairs, religious events, or visits to museums. A second list may include suggestions for smaller groups, such as rest time, outdoor games, indoor activities, cooking and clean-up squads.
Take time for one-on-one conversations. Most group discussions tend to remain on a superficial level. In groups, people tend to stick to safer, less personal topics, while discussions between individuals are more likely to result in more meaningful communications. Relationships tend to grow when we take time for private conversations and allow ourselves the opportunity for heart-to-heart exchanges. To facilitate these opportunities, arrange times to meet with up with various family members outside of the “big events”.
Get to know each other over again. People change all of the time. Children grow, teenagers mature, adults become parts of couples or become single again. Some gain new employment, others relocate, almost all of us develop new interests over time. These accomplishments result in personality changes and personal growth. Ask people about the things they’ve accomplished to learn more about their strengths and resources. Take time to learn new things about the members of your family, and remember to share information about your own life. As relatives, we can take great pride in each other’s accomplishments. As a “team”, it is important to congratulate each other on our achievements. There are no sweeter compliments than those we hear from our own friends and relatives.
Build upon family strengths, not weaknesses. Unfortunately, almost every family has at least one relative who seems to thrive on the misfortunes of others. Be aware that conversations around these folks can quickly turn critical and hurtful as they degenerate into gossip sessions. This often leads to hurt feelings and family damage. Since none of us are immune from criticism, it is up to each one of us to stop negative conversations in their tracks. When recalling memories, remember the things that went well, not just the problems. Beforehand, give thought to “burying the hatchet” and extending the hand of forgiveness to someone with whom you’ve had a problem. Family relationships are far too precious to be scarred for life.

People search for better ways to communicate with their relatives. Sometimes, it helps to set goals for yourself and come up with creative projects for kids. During Thanksgiving, one of my nephews compiled a book which consisted of several sheets of paper, folded in half and stapled. On each page, he drew a picture of each family member present and wrote something about them. My other nephew drew a composite picture of all of our pets and their names.

As for teens and young adults, family reunions can serve as important hunting grounds in which to explore your “family of origin”. To know yourself, you must understand your own background. Most family elders appreciate being “interviewed” as it gives them a chance to reflect and pass along family memories and traditions. Once a relative has agreed to be interviewed, any of the following questions can be used to “get the ball rolling”:

Where is our family from originally?

What are your first memories of radio and television?

How did you learn to drive?

How did you decide on your career?

Where did your meet your spouse?

What kind of things did you like to do as a kid?

How did you choose the name(s) of your child(ren)?

What was it like when your children were young?

Grandparents generally love to be interviewed and their answers may lead to many previously untold bits of family history and folklore. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to know a few of your elders from a whole new perspective…and come away from your family reunion with a stronger sense of your own identity.

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