From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Toxic interaction patterns traced to sibling rivalry

Judith Viorst in her book titled Grown-Up Marriage describes toxic interaction patterns between us and the people in our lives as forms of sibling rivalry that we learned in childhood. For most of us, our families of origin were the training grounds where we learned to negotiate, fight, and survive. Hopefully, they were also the places where we learned to communicate, cooperate, and compromise. Later on as adults, when we try to unravel the ropes of our disagreement, it is may be helpful to think back upon our earlier patterns of communication. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Conflicts in our roles as spouses. When spouses experience marital problems, they sometimes lock horns and defend their status as “the one who is right”. At times, it takes a bulldozer to bring both partners to the bargaining table. Rather than view the discussion of problems as the road to solutions, the underlying battle sometimes becomes “there is nothing wrong with me”. And I agree. Just because we see things differently and just because we are not meeting each other’s needs, does not make us “the wrong one”. But perhaps it is unrealistic to think that living in such close quarters that we will always get along. Perhaps rules do have to be revised and updated from time to time. This too does not make us “wrong”. But if we fear being blamed or we fear loss of face, we may be trapped in a form of sibling rivalry. We may confuse our need to be right with our willingness to fix our relationships.

Birth order may influence our roles as parents. Raising children requires the on-going adjustment of power in relationships. Healthy children must eventually develop their own identity, separate and apart from their parents. When conflicts arise, parents and children may bicker endlessly for control of their relationship. As they grow, first born children may be able to intimidate their parents if their parents were latter born children. They may demand a form of respect that we were not prepared to give. Both children and parents can make mistakes, and both must learn to apologize when they are wrong, to forgive when they are right, and to respect each others’ differences when they disagree. If, however, our pride gets in the way and we find ourselves competing with our children, we may be re-enacting old battles. Early in their lives, it is our job to teach and guide; later on, we will need to let them go with a care package full of encouragement.

Conflicts between grown children and parents. While few of us are comfortable with the aging process, even fewer of us want to feel treated like “children” by our children. Older adults sometimes feel a loss of status when their previous strengths seem frail by comparison. Parents who were once in charge and all-powerful, often have difficulty relinquishing their authority and allowing themselves to be cared for by their grown children. But this reversal of roles is a natural part of life. Adult children need to show their elderly parents sufficient concern, and aging parents need to show their children adequate appreciation. Most of us simply want respect, but in the name of stubbornness, some elders may refuse to anoint their children as their successors; and in the name of stubbornness, some grown children may decide to abort family traditions.

Conflicts between ourselves and our co-workers. Getting angry never solves problems but it may be a knee-jerk reaction that worked with our siblings. At work, we may find if difficult to take orders, or criticism, or to follow the rules. We may find ourselves competing with our colleagues and even our boss. Sometimes referred to as a “bad attitude”, losing one’s temper at work can be a very costly response. When certain people or certain situations chronically get underneath your skin, consider whether these reactions are familiar feelings of entitlement or bullying. Perhaps we are carrying our lifelong sense of entitlement into the workplace without even realizing it.

As grown ups, we have the opportunity to function as a complementary partners. Even if we always got our own way as children, we do not have the right to make all the rules, and we do not have the right to punish each other. Unfinished business from childhood can last a lifetime if we let it.

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