From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Think twice about divorce

During the 1970s and 1980s, conventional wisdom rationalized the consequences of divorce on children with the thought that children were better off living in happy single parent homes, than in less happy two-parent homes that were filled with marital conflict. However, today’s research suggests a very different picture. As our understanding about the long-term effects of divorce is revealed, committed parents need to take another look before deciding to discard their marriage. For those who are already divorced, it is hoped that these thoughts will help with the vital tasks of co-parenting.

Marriage protects the physical, emotional, educational and nutritional needs of children. For some time, we have known that wives and children of divorce are more likely to experience poverty. However, we have only recently begun to understand the full implications of this poverty. From a health perspective, lack of money translates into less regular medical check-ups and less money spent on food. A decade of evidence demonstrates that children of divorce are often more depressed and aggressive toward their parents and teachers. On the whole, they are less likely to attend college. And these young people tend to become sexually active at earlier ages, they are more likely to abuse drugs, turn to crime, and they are even more likely to commit suicide.

The so-called sleeper effects of divorce. For the rest of their lives, children are affected by their parents’ divorce. Noted researcher, Judith Wallerstein, describes how the ghost of divorce resurfaces later in life. At a time when most young people are finding their intended mates and committing to permanent relationships, children of divorce often experience a resurgence of deep and long-term emotional problems when confronted with issues of romance and marriage. In the effort to avoid repeating the mistakes made by their parents, these young people often behave in ways that are erratic and self-defeating. Some may choose partners for reasons other than love and commonality, others may run from conflict, and still others, live with the unconscious fear that their family will collapse, just as it did when they were growing up.

Unstable marriages affect children long before the actual divorce. Professor Youngmin Sun of Ohio State University demonstrated that divorce is a process, not a single event, when he discovered that even before parents physically split up, children who live in homes where their parents have given up on the marriage, are more likely to have lower educational aspirations, feel less ready to face the challenges of school, they have more behavior problems, and poorer self-concepts. According to Dr. Sun, these pre-divorce families are less involved in their children’s education, they express lower expectations for their children’s accomplishments, are less involved in their child’s school activities, have fewer discussions about school, and report doing things with their children less often than do intact families.

Children of divorced parents may be less devoted care-givers to their aging parents. There is much evidence that old resentments do not fade over time. One recent study suggests that children of divorce may feel less obligated to support their parents in old age. While much has been written for and about children who desire to reunite their parents following divorce, most kids eventually realize that they are helpless to hold their parents’ marriage together. Without healthy role models for family loyalty, family responsibility, and methods for solving interpersonal problems, children may feel abandoned and be left with enduring bitterness. Even when divorce is billed as the end of the marriage, not the end of the family, the reality is that many children feel that they have been discarded along with the marriage if deprived of contact with an estranged parent. This study suggests that later on in life, aging parents who want to re-establish a relationship with their estranged offspring after many years, should not be surprised if they are met with anger, a lack of sympathy and resources from their children. Whether you call it karma or simply human nature, this phenomenon demonstrates the old adage that “what goes around, comes around”.

Why do spouses decide to leave? Unfortunately, many spouses choose to leave their marriages based upon their own self-centered motives, rather than considering the vast ramifications which will forevermore affect their children. Perhaps they do not know that for most children, their parents’ divorce marks the end of a secure childhood. Researchers have recently reported that 70% of American divorces occur in low conflict couples. This finding suggests that many couples aren’t even willing to confront their differences in the effort to attempt to resolve their conflicts. Rather they are choosing to avoid conflict and skip ahead to calling it quits. But as parents, aren’t we supposed to teach our children about conflict resolution? Aren’t we supposed to demonstrate the fine art of communication and compromise?

Those who think that “a bad marriage is forever” are urged to consider the work of Professor Linda Waite, who studied couples who almost got a divorce. In her book, The Case for Marriage, she reports that bad marriages are not as permanent as we previously assumed. Over time, she found that 86% of people who considered themselves to be in bad marriages but who chose to stick it out, reported a turn around in their marriage over the next five years. In other words, their decision to honor their vows and hang in with their marriage actually resulted in a return to former levels of happiness once the option of divorce was dismissed. In view of this finding or until we develop improved ways to protect our children, parents should give responsible consideration to their marital obligations. For those who have already divorced, remember to behave in the best interest of your children. While certain circumstances, such as abuse and domestic violence make divorce imperative, we must realize that whimsical divorces create broken hearts in our children that last a lifetime.

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