From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Marital conflict: couples' pathway to creative growth

One myth about being married or part of a couple is that all conflict is a problem. In reality, successful couples practice the art of conflict management as part of their daily communications. Conflict management, sometimes referred to as ‘fair fighting’, is designed to result in ‘win-win solutions’ and in constructive compromise so that both parties are satisfied with their solutions. Sound impossible? Well, its not.

Presumably, when two people form a partnership, it is because they believe that together, they will be happier and more successful than either would be by remaining alone. Being partners suggests that you value each others’ opinions, thoughts, feelings and perceptions. So, it is presumed that if a problem exists, by bringing it to the other’s attention, the problem can be resolved in a healthy way. Thus, conflict is often a valuable pathway to creative growth as a couple. According to this model, bigger problems arise when individuals decide not to bring up problems for fear that they will be ridiculed, feel shamed, or blamed. More than conflict itself, conflict avoidance is what leads to a break-down in partnerships. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

It is natural for people who live together to have differences. When people live together, every now and then they are bound to step on each others’ toes. When toes get stepped on, we become aware of our boundaries. Usually, we have the gut reaction of feeling walked on, put down or ignored. Unfortunately, even when we don’t acknowledge hurt feelings at the time, we rarely forget about them. Following an insult, we usually spend time mulling the event over and thinking about what we’ll say the next time it happens. Then we spend our time thinking and waiting, perhaps even baiting the other, instead of talking about the painful event when it occurs.
Where communication stops, problems begin. When insults go ignored, they accumulate as simmering anger, which most of us tightly control for as long as possible. When we can no longer contain that anger, we explode, rant and rave a bit, until eventually we feel guilty and end up apologizing for the explosion. The irony is that while we’re stuffing down feelings of anger, our loved ones often don’t even know that we’re upset or holding a grudge because we haven’t told them! If this rings true in your relationship, consider why you are trying to avoid conflict. Be aware that there is a cost associated with our fear of speaking up; intimacy is the high price we pay for that silence.
It’s normal to have conflict. We’re not always happy and we’re not always sad. But many of us are secretive in that we secretly expect our mates to read our minds. We may choose not to say how we are feeling, and then get upset when our partners fail to meet our expectations. Ironically, conflict only goes away through the act of talking about it. Talking about problems or issues allows for conflict management; not talking about them creates conflict avoidance, which like mounting garbage, does not go away by itself.
Suppressing how you feel is living a lie. One of Simon and Garfunkel’s earliest tunes told us that “like a cancer, silence grows”. When we get married or decide to live together, aren’t we agreeing to tell each other what we’re thinking? People cite many reasons for why they choose to withhold their feelings. Some folks feel that unless they have a quick come-back to an insult, they have missed their ‘window of opportunity’, others fear they’ll hurt their partner’s feelings, and still others fear they’ll be told that they are making ‘too big of a deal out of nothing’. But more often, the opposite is true. Problems are most easily resolved when we are brave enough to ‘bring them to the table’ as soon as possible. Usually, we gain self-confidence and self-respect when we stand up for ourselves. Hopefully, we also gain our partner’s respect. Don’t take my word for it…. ask your partner if they want you to be their ‘doormat’ and if they want you to keep secrets from them. In other words, make your couple communication style a mutual decision!
Differences are sexy; don’t pretend to be so easy. When we pretend that we don’t have boundaries, it’s usually because we fear rejection. But this is also a way to set ourselves up for rejection. If we fail to speak our minds, and then blast our partners from time to time, that’s not sexy. But expressing one’s differences before anger mounts up, says that you are an individual. Hopefully, you never promised to be a clone of your mate, devoid of your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. Not only are ‘doormats’ not sexy, they are also boring.

One of my favorite pastimes over the years has been watching my animals play. My cats wrestle and chase each other daily. My dogs once won a tag-team wrestling award, though we were participating in an obedience training class. Members of the same species often fight, wrestle, establish dominance, and then go about their lives as the closest of friends.

Throughout nature, conflict is normal. As a human being, why not consider the virtue of just being your self. One warning, if you’ve been quietly pretending that your feelings don’t count, people will be surprised when you start saying how you really feel. As the famous psychiatrist Dr. Frederick Perls used to say, ‘they more you become yourself, the more people will accuse you of changing’! Don’t worry. In the long run, you will be happier and the absence of your anger will make you a lot more fun to live with.

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