From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Self-control and anger management matter -- especially now

This holiday season, we have been forced to question some of the basic assumptions of our lives. Ironically, during this usually festive time, we are faced with considering the question of good and evil. Most of us identify ourselves as good since lately we have focused on the evil which threatens us from outside the United States. But let us not ignore the evil which has been growing within our borders and ourselves.

The Problem of Road Rage. The occurrence of road rage has become all too common in recent years. Drivers everywhere have decided that they are entitled to threaten and punish other drivers. This phenomenon is rationalized by those who believe they have the right to take the law into their own hands. The truth is that all of us have made careless driving errors at one time or another. Our goal should be to drive carefully, defensively and be tolerant of our fellow drivers. Having a driver’s license does not license us to use our cars as weapons.
The Problem of Divorce. Early research, a few decades ago, suggested that children were better off living in single parent families than in families filled with conflict. Unfortunately, this research was wrong, but highly publicized. Worse yet, this research was based on only a handful of children, the results were not valid, and since then, couples everywhere have justified divorce as a means of conflict resolution. But the truth is that divorce is not healthy for children, divorce does not resolve the conflicts between parents, and don’t kid yourself, children are irrevocably damaged when their families fall apart.
Domestic Violence is not okay. Another way to permanently scar children is through emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Children who are hit, learn to hit. Children who are emotionally abused develop poor self-concepts and find it difficult, if not impossible, to develop self-esteem. Further, when children are sexually abused, they learn about sex far too early in life, become distrustful of others, and have difficulty with intimacy when they grow up. Anyone who takes advantage of the loving nature of children does permanent damage to another human being. There is no excuse for this type of misbehavior.
What goes around comes around. In my work, I am often faced with the task of helping clients control their anger. Some are self-righteous rage-aholics whose families will no longer tolerate their misbehavior. Others suffer the rage of having been victimized, suffer from survivor guilt from having witnessed violence, or blame themselves for not preventing violence that occurred around them. In the effort to relieve this pain, the impulse to "get even" is great. However, the truth is that violence only perpetuates violence... like passing the "hot potato".

My suggestion is for each of us to develop a way to manage our own anger. At this time when Americans are indignant at those who have attacked us, we must also be willing to examine our own behavior. It is always easier to recognize misbehavior in others. It is far more difficult to exercise self-control. As adults, we need to remember that through our behavior, we serve as role models for every child in our society. No doubt, this holiday season is an important time for personal reflection on how to make the world (and our own families) a better place to live.

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