From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Thinking of Thanksgiving

This year, Thanksgiving may pose a challenge to even the most optimistic among us. Terrorist attacks and our return to war have changed the basic way we think. Americans have been forced to realize that we are not alone in the world, that we have enemies on the planet, and that we can no longer afford to take life and freedom for granted. Given these circumstances, parents and grandparents who traditionally say a few words of welcome before the feast begins, are encouraged to give their words some thought before hand. Why? Because there is more at stake than one might guess. Consider the following ramifications.

Our children are fearful. Rather than learning to trust, events have taught our children to become less trusting of others. Concerned parents have had to teach their children to protect themselves from the malice of strangers. Children are the most vulnerable among us due to their size and life experience. However, it is not helpful to frighten a child; fear only makes them less strong and less self-confident. We, as adults, must make them feel protected!
While today may belong to the grown-ups, tomorrow is the world of our children. Most children have a propensity toward nightmares. Nightmares usually develop out of their own thoughts, mental images, and bits of overheard conversation. Kids can smell a lie a mile away and they know when adults are censoring reality. Unfortunately, when we withhold the truth, kids "fill in the blanks" with their overly active imaginations. Also, when we attempt to hide the truth rather than explain what we know, we deprive our children of our wisdom.
Older family members serve as role models for their younger relatives. Through our actions, we pass down family traditions whether we intend to or not. Holidays are special times when friends and relatives get together. Not only is this a time for socializing and celebrating, but it is also a time of great learning for our kids. In most cases, children come away from such gatherings with very definite and new impressions. On interview, some children describe the holidays as times when parents misbehave, ignore them, exclude them from conversation, and even isolate them physically from adults. As parents, we must constantly remember that we are teachers and role models for our children and be cognizant of what we are teaching them.
What is the meaning of Thanksgiving? Beyond a huge meal, what does this holiday mean to you? This year, some families will give thanks for what they have, while others will be bitter about what they have lost. Which ever is the case, your children will follow your lead. Thanksgiving can mean "something" or it can mean "nothing". Some children view the holidays as times when their parents drink too much. Others hope the holidays will provide a brief cease-fire between chronically bickering parents. This year, our children will likely look to us, their parents and grandparents, for ways of understanding and coping with our current global distress. What they need is encouragement and hope. For the sake of our kids, I challenge each of us to consider giving our children a message which will reassure them that they are loved.

As our world becomes more and more complex, our children will need better instructions on how to take care of themselves, how to make good decisions, manage conflict, and support a family of their own. And if we want our children to successfully reside in this world, it will be our job to teach them the values and skills they will need to peacefully and respectfully share the planet with others. So, as you make this year’s Thanksgiving plans, remember that holidays are very special times for our children. Later on in life, you can bet that they will remember each holiday... usually with embarrassing accuracy! (Note to my own family: "Enough jokes about the burned yams, guys!"). My best wishes to all for a Happy Thanksgiving!

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