From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Marriage: What’s the point?

I recently attended a friend’s wedding in Lexington, Kentucky. There in the heart of bluegrass country, a new tribe assembled consisting of the groom’s family, the bride’s Mother and step-Father, and the bride’s Father and step-Mother. Both friends and relatives excitedly anticipated the wedding which would be officiated by both a Rabbi and a Catholic Priest.

At first, there were several awkward moments in the crowd. There was the usual nervousness as the bride’s friends and family met the groom’s friends and family. Within families, there was a little "old" tension related to a family reunion where parents had divorced and remarried. And between families, there was a little "new" tension related to the interfaith marriage and growing religious diversity within the family. Yet, it was clear that the group as a whole shared a common love for these two young people and we greeted the weekend with joyful enthusiasm for their new life together.

Our task was easy... enjoy the wedding. Watching the two lovebirds, however, I could not help but think of the many challenges ahead for them. Here are a few more thoughts on that matter.

People get married in order to form a unique bond of love. The decision to marry indicates that couples have chosen each other from the entire universe of other people, as life partners. The honor of this partnership requires active love, trust and loyalty. It also represents a permanent commitment to care for each other, as we care for ourselves. Once again, the golden rule glitters!

Love is a verb which must be actively demonstrated on a daily basis. Just as we care for our children and our pets, spouses require daily love. Daily contributions to our relationships result in long-term investments in the well-being of our families. We all deserve daily appreciation from our spouses and they deserve daily appreciation from us. Additionally, human beings require affection, communication and touch on a daily basis. Marriage provides the opportunity to satisfy these needs at home every day. Just as we need food and shelter, we also need to be loved on a daily basis.

Problem-solving facilitates growth in marriage. When couples are faced with conflicts, they must look for "win-win" solutions to their problems. While compromise is essential, self-sacrifice usually backfires and proves to be more destructive to the relationship in the long run. Healthy relationships allow each person to grow to their fullest potential. Unhealthy relationships fail to support individual goals, such that personal growth must occur separate from the marriage. When spouses experience the drive to grow, marriage can provide a firm foundation for support and a shared sense of accomplishment. The lack of adequate support, however can trigger decay in that very same foundation.

Trouble begins when one partner changes the rules without consulting the other. When children decide to play together, they frequently start with a discussion of the rules of the game. Almost by instinct, children know that rules help them achieve a sense of order and control which improves their self-confidence. Without rules, child’s play often deteriorates into chaos and hurt feelings.

Similarly, marriages function best when spouses share a common understanding of the rules, and when spouses agree to adhere to their own rules of fair play. Problems arise when one partner decides unilaterally to change or "bend" the rules. This is the beginning of a "double standard" which suggests that spouses are expected to adhere to different rules of conduct.

From these children will come more children. Down the road, this couple will start their own family. Then, in addition to their roles as spouses, they will become parents. Their task will be to draw upon past experiences and new knowledge as they decide how to best raise their children in today’s world. She will bring the best qualities from her family; he will bring the best qualities from his. Together, they will have to develop a combined approach to child-rearing.

Marriage offers the opportunity to learn all kinds of skills for improving communication, affection, sexual expression, consensus-building, decision-making, conflict management, division of labor, parenting and team-building. The task of each new generation is to improve upon the previous generation and pass along the best of what we have learned. There is no single guide to right and wrong. In order to achieve satisfaction, couples must build their own unique marriage and family. This is an evolutionary process which just begins at the wedding. A new branch of the family tree has begun to grow.

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