From Dr. Jane's Notebook

As happy as one's unhappiest child?

There was a time when the word on the street was that you only had to worry about kids for the first 18 years. (Woman in labor: "Doctor, Doctor, How long will the pain last?" Doctor: "Oh, about 18 years.")

As it turns out, you never stop worrying!! What’s more, I just found out the latest in parental maxims: You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child. Who knew?

When kids first leave their parents’ nest its hard for both to let go. When parents and their children maintain close relationships it is difficult to say good-bye. As parents we know that we must encourage our kids to find their way to independence but we are also accustomed to supporting them every step of the way. Our children also know that it is time to fly on their own. Both parents and kids know that flying on their own is a necessary but challenging task.

Parents and children maintain interdependent relationships. When kids start moving out of the house, they want our help and they don’t want our help. Thus knowing how much to help becomes tricky business. Parents feel guilty if they help too little but helping too much can bring out the worst in your child. Soon even the most loving relationships can become riddled with anger. In this case, a little anger actually helps kids and parents to gather their courage.

Maintaining the family’s safety net is a full time job. It is one thing for parents to supervise their children’s lives when they live on the premises but quite another to try and manage our children’s lives long-distance. It is virtually impossible for anyone to maintain such a balancing act. Slowly the reality sets in that our children will either sink or swim on their own. This is a time when many of the rules must change. As we give up our illusion of control, they begin to find ways to survive on their own.

Often, the situation is hopeless but not serious. The initial months and years often include bouts of homesickness, school failure, despondency, and calls for help. As parents, it is all too easy to hear the battle cry and rush in to rescue our child. But beware that simply moving the baby bird back home to the nest is not the best long term solution. When we encourage our children to accept their shortcomings, they begin to resent us for doubting their ability to succeed. By collaborating with their feelings of weakness, the pathetic little baby bird, rescued and brought back home, soon becomes the vulture who treats its parents like prey. So while it is important to be supportive and steer our children through necessary detours in order to stay the course, it is fool-hearty to think that our children will remain helpless.

Throughout the child-rearing process the job of parent continually changes. Parents must now learn the fine art of helping enough but not too much. Just like when our kids first learned to walk, they are bound to stumble and fall. Parents can either pick their children up and carry them forever, or encourage them to draw upon their own resources. We must be confident that they will find their own sense of balance. A little bit of help and a little bit of sympathy go a long way. When we provide a sympathetic ear, our children miraculously discover their own answers to problems. As you slowly step back out of the way, you can actually watch them grow!

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