From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The Family Tug-of-War

When it comes to holiday stress, most families worry about the cost of gifts, travel, and other holiday concerns. But for some families, an even greater source of holiday stress lies in dreaded confrontations between family members who don’t get along too well. Few stressors come close to the emotional pain associated with unfriendly family relationships.

This article has been written at the request of mothers and daughters-in-law who are in the process of learning how to establish and maintain a mutually respectful relationship. In some cases, relationships by marriage have gotten off to a rocky start and are in desperate need of a little repair. Fortunately, the holidays offer great opportunities for mending broken relationships and healing old wounds. When it comes to getting along with in-laws, here are a few thoughts on the matter.

Becoming a mother-in-law can be easy or tough. When a mother becomes a mother-in-law, she often feels as though she is losing influence over her child and over her family. The presence of a new daughter-in-law can feel natural or it can feel strained. In some families, it is difficult to become friends with your new "child", but that is exactly what needs to occur. You have raised your child and now it time for him to leave your nest and create his own. Your job is to encourage and support him in his choice of mate and learn to like her, no matter what!

Becoming a daughter-in-law can be easy or tough. In most cases, when you choose to marry a person, you are also choosing to marry his family. It is therefore best to marry into a family that you like. If , however, you find yourself in a marriage with difficult in-laws, it is largely up to you to create a positive relationship with them. Find something you like about your husband’s family, even if it is simply that they have provided you with a mate! If possible, become a friend and an advocate for your husband’s family. In most families, men rely upon the support of their wives to help maintain this important family connection.

It takes more than one woman to hold a family together. Most of the time, after mothers have raised one or more generations of children, their task is to hand down rituals and family traditions to the next generation. However, the adoption of family traditions often depends upon the relationship between mother and daughter-in-law. Since most women are the gate-keepers of their families, mothers-in-law must learn to be more flexible and respectful of their daughters-in-law, if they want to receive that same respect in return.

As children grow up, family involvement becomes more and more voluntary, so family involvement must also become more and more inviting. In each generation, the entire future of the family is at stake. To avoid a breakdown in the family network, family members must actively treat each other with love and respect, and develop an appreciation for the unique way in which each succeeding generation will reinvent and create their own family traditions.

Communication and acceptance are important keys to successful relationships. Each of us enters into relationships with a set of expectations for closeness. Together, mothers and daughters-in-law must negotiate a comfortable distance that allows them to be close and yet avoid stepping on each other’s toes. The goal is to establish a loving and supportive relationship, rather than one of competition and criticism. In general, it is best to treat your in-laws like they are your blood relatives. Put up with their personality quirks and avoid being judgmental. Everyone needs to feel accepted and valued.

The holidays are an important time for families to gather together in a spirit of love and sharing. As families grow, our children and grandchildren observe the quality of family relations, and either accept or reject those relationships. While the holidays in particular cause us to pay special attention to the state of the family, we are also reminded that family ties must be nurtured year ‘round. This year as you consider your holiday gift list, remember that the best gifts are those which draw families closer to each other. In many cases, these are the gifts which cost us very little money, but which are priceless.

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