From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Mom & Dad: Home Alone After All These Years

At least once a day, someone asks how I am coping with Empty Nest Syndrome. I am extremely fortunate to have two children away from home at college. How am I doing? I’m not sure, but these are some things I’ve thought of recently.

What does an empty nest feel like? Actually, it feels more like a train station. Sometimes its busy; sometimes its slow. Over the years, my husband and I have taken precautions against anything that might resemble a truly empty nest by filling our environment with dogs, cats, fish, birds and even a squirrel. After all, pets are the children who never leave home. As a result, even when I am alone, it is hard to feel lonely with a herd surrounding me. Further, because my husband and I have continually devoted energy to our relationship as a couple over the years, the fact of the matter is, I still live with my best friend.

What do you do in an Empty Nest? If you are fortunate enough to have your mate, empty nest is the time to fortify your marital bonds. Remember back when you were dating? It took a lot of work to be attractive, witty, seductive, interesting and fun to be with. Well, guess what? You may have been cutting yourself some slack over the past few years while attending to the needs of the kids, but now its time to get busy again and pour lots of energy into your marital relationship. For many couples, this time of life is a real test of friendship and commitment. It is also a good time to take care of some necessary repairs to your marriage.

I’m starting to feel very grown-up. I have a new-found respect for other parents who have supported their children through college. I now realize that this is not an easy thing. The buck really does stop here. Two of the goals of college are for your child to identify a career which will be right for them and for them to be able to support themselves after college. Until they can do this, our continued financial and emotional support are critical to their success.

Children must become strong. There is little worse than a baby bird who takes flight and crashes to the ground. No doubt, the mama and papa bird would be arguing in the nest above about whose fault it is. Neither is happy about this little set-back so they fight over who will comfort and who will confront the baby bird. Both are praying that a miracle will happen and the baby bird will spontaneously take flight.

To insure that your baby bird will take flight easily and successfully, reassure your child about the value of their studies and make sure they don’t suffer from guilt either about the cost of school or any guilt associated with leaving home. Their studies and this time away from the family will pay off in the long run.

The meaning of phone calls. The frequency of calls home can be very diagnostic. My husband and I are very close with our children, yet we assume that "no news is good news". College kids who call home daily and want to talk to the family for hours may not be making a good social adjustment to their new environment. Its always a good idea to encourage college students to seek the counseling services that are offered to them on campus. Likewise, if you are a parent who calls "too often", you may not be allowing your child sufficient breathing room. This may be a good time in your life to take a continuing education class or two and develop some new interests for yourself.

Lastly, I have learned that both mama birds and papa birds are emotional when it comes to their children. Whenever my children are far away, I get the sensation that our invisible umbilical cord is being stretched much further than it was meant to reach. At one time, I thought that the umbilical cord was a "mama bird" thing. But lately I’ve come to realize that papa birds feel the very same way. What do mama birds and papa birds do in the nest once the baby birds are all gone? Well, one thing you can do is fall back in love with each other again. It is possible to miss your kids without feeling lonely.

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