From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Helping your Child Cope with Fear

The recent rise in violent crimes poses a perplexing problem for parents. Not only do parents fear for their children's’ safety, but children themselves need to know how to deal with their fears, confusion and frustration. Beyond reassurance, we must figure out what our children need and the best way to help them cope. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

As parents, we must advocate for our children. With the rise of violent crimes committed by youth, a common knee-jerk reaction by parents, school systems, and police is to clamp down harder on children. At the same time, when adults become afraid for their children, they tend to focus on their child’s bad behaviors rather than good qualities. But I believe this leads to a vicious cycle of crime and punishment and endless power struggles.

One way out of this power struggle is to recognize that our children are almost always at a disadvantage with adults. As such, the last thing they need is to feel that their parents are also against them. Rather, kids need to know that their parents are caring and trustworthy advocates, who will help them interface with the world of adults, and protect them from discrimination.

Children learn to cope with their fears when they can openly talk about them. The best approach to raising an emotionally healthy child is to establish a trusting, open and on-going dialogue about thoughts and feelings. As parents, we expect truthfulness from our children, without ever considering whether our children view us as trustworthy confidantes.

Establishing an open dialogue requires listening to your child without being judgmental, sharing your own feelings and personal experiences, and resisting the impulse to criticize. While it is true that you may not like everything that you hear, this is the only way to learn what your child really thinks.

Validate your child’s feelings about school. Children are involuntarily committed to attending school each day. While it is certainly in the best interest of our children to do so, we should also recognize that every child feels some amount of tension and anxiety in reaction to school pressure and peer relationships. Sometimes, kids get their feelings hurt. Sometimes their individual rights are violated. For some kids, every moment spent at school feels like time spent in a combat zone. We can all remember the emotional ups and downs of our own childhood. Today, as parents, we can be most helpful to our children by simply offering a sympathetic ear.

As adults, we’ve all felt the need to blow off steam about work every now and again; and the same is true for our children. They frequently need a safe place where they can express their feelings, fears, and discontents. The safest place to do this is in the environment of their own home. In my experience, when kids feel "heard" and their feelings are "validated", they become better able to cope with their concerns and better able to overcome their discontent. However, when we are quick to dismiss or minimize their feelings, kids become increasingly frustrated, mistrustful and feel increasingly misunderstood.

Give your child the gift of your respect. Children who are treated respectfully, are more eager to please their parents and teachers. In turn, they are more cooperative, more willing to share their thoughts, and more respectful of others. In contrast, children who are treated harshly, develop poor self-esteem, develop feelings of worthlessness, and tend to withdraw from adults.

In these pessimistic times, too many kids anticipate a life of failure, and thus placeless value on their own lives and well-being. To remedy this pessimism, parents who wish to raise successful and well-adjusted kids, must encourage their children by conveying sincere confidence in them, and helping them anticipate the future with a sense of optimism. When all is said and done, children are most in need of our love, respect and understanding; and these really are the gifts that last forever.

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