From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Marriage, like the rest of life, is usually full of surprises. What is not surprising is that all marriages experience problems from time to time. What is surprising is that people expect their marriages to he perfect all of the time. It is also surprising that when marriages get into trouble, there is usually one surprised spouse, and one who is not surprised at all. Follow me, if you will, through a few scenarios of how to sabotage and then, how to repair a marriage.

• Abbreviate your communications. In many marriages, the problems of poor communication precede the trip to the altar. I d like to have a nickel for every person who wasn't really sure about getting married, but who hesitated to say something before the wedding for fear of hurting the mate's feelings. It is as though he or she has a private wish list of things to change after the ceremony.

People don't say what is really on their minds for a variety of reasons. The process of distorting the truth may begin with good intentions, such as I didn't want to seem too demanding" or "It's not that big of a deal." A husband or wife may be annoyed by a certain habit or trait in a partner, but feel even more uncomfortable communicating those feelings directly So instead, they say or do something else which they hope will somehow get the message across. Unfortunately this usually doesn't work. Save yourself and your mate a lot of trouble. Just tell it like it is.

• Keep track of your ma tees faults in case you want to fight dirty. Under the guise of being tolerant, spouses often claim to overlook each other's faults. However, there is a difference between overlooking the shortcomings of the one we love, and keeping a mental list of our resentments. Some spouses maintain a laundry list of disappointments as a form of insurance or ammunition. Then, when disagreements arise or they feel criticized, they are well-prepared to fight back.

At the extreme, spouses can he made to feel like they have criminal records, of which they are reminded on a regular basis. Needless to say, no one likes to be reminded of past failings. Like in court, if an issue has already been resolved, it should not he admissible as evidence.

• Withhold sex and love. Men and women frequently use sex and love as rewards and punishments. One problem with this tactic is that the conditions for receiving love and affection are rarely clear, making it impossible to succeed. Typically, the spouse who wishes to he loving must pass a rigorous inspection in order to qualify for love in return. When sex is viewed as a reward, it is contingent upon the punished spouse getting everything right. But because one can never fully succeed, neither spouse wins.

Instead of viewing sex as a victory for one and a forfeit for the other, love must be viewed as a bridge between partners. Making love does much to restore and maintain a marriage. of course, this assumes that both partners want to improve the relationship.

• Grow old before your time. Statistics suggest that many marriages are subject to crises around the seventh year, or after the birth of a second child. At these junctures, spouses often describe a process of growing apart. One partner may feel that the marriage is too constraining, that they have lost their identity or that the marriage is no longer as fun as it used to be. The other partner may describe a sense of abandonment, the lack of equal responsibility and be outraged by their mates immaturity At different points in time, one partner may be fighting to maintain youthfulness, while the other is fighting for a sense of stability.

It is important to realize that people naturally experience doubt about themselves and their relationships from time to time. If announced in time, problems can usually be fixed. In fact, it takes a brave spouse to admit unhappiness in the effort to improve things.

When marriages become tiring, loveless, and constraining, people feel trapped in impossible and inflexible situations. This tug-of-war can lead to marital disaster or to a healthy opportunity to redefine the goals of the relationship. The truth is that every relationship needs maintenance and improvement on a regular basis. This should really come as no surprise!