From Dr. Jane's Notebook

The Growing Need for Marital Education

I recently attended the Second Annual Conference of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education held in Washington, D.C. The theme of this international conference was "Smart Marriages, Happy Families". The focus of the conference was on Marital and Relationship Education. The mission: To reduce the chronically high rate of divorce which has exceeded 50% for several decades now.

Over the four day period, internationally renowned marriage researchers reported their findings and made recommendations. Among them was Dr. John Gottman of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, who recently received much publicity for his marriage research. He was joined by his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Together, they described their theory for a "Sound Marital House". Here are a few of the marriage tips that I brought home.

• Every marriage partner has a Love Map. Love Maps are composed of the unique attitudes and preferences of your spouse. The idea is that in order to fully appreciate your partner's world, you must continuously learn about him/her as a person. It is not enough to know someone for a long time, you must also keep your information up-to-date!
• You must cultivate your fondness and admiration for your mate. Fondness and admiration were present when you and your mate first met. Recall the qualities which attracted you to your partner. Some couples seem to naturally relate to each other like a "mutual admiration society". Most couples, however, must cultivate their ability to convey positive feelings towards their spouse. The idea is that fondness and admiration can grow on their own in the relationship for a little while; but like a garden, positive feelings must be deliberately nurtured on a daily basis.
• Good communication requires good repair techniques. Repair techniques are ways of communicating that seek to repair conflicts as they arise. For example, with the realization that you have just offended your partner, you might try to repair damage done by the insult with some damage-control comments, such as retracting the insult or apologizing. Repair techniques are essential for management of conflict.
• For best results, choose a 'softened' Start-Up Technique. Start-up techniques are ways of bringing up difficult topics. Harsh start-ups may evoke strong negative reactions from your partner, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stone-walling (emotional withdrawal). Gottman's research suggests that stable couples tend to bring topics up "softly", and they maintain a low volume during discussions in order to manage conflict while they talk about problems.
• Work on your marital friendship. Try to limit conflict. Realize that not all differences between spouses have to be resolved; you won't agree on everything. Build up an emotional bank account of positive feelings and actions in the relationship to buffer the negative times between you. Be aware of when you are carrying a chip on your shoulder, when you are taking things too personally, or when you feel in competition with your spouse to prove who is right. Whenever possible, support and honor each other's dreams, accept each other's influence, and look for positive motives in your spouse's actions.

The general consensus of the Smart Marriages, Happy Families conference was that people can learn relationship skills, communication skills, and problem-solving skills. One assumption is that the chronically high divorce rate is largely due to the lack of these skills. To combat the high rates of divorce and domestic violence, some communities have implemented city-wide campaigns for marriage education programs. Domestic court judges, mayors, school counselors, and therapists issued their strong support for providing relationship education through the schools. As one presenter so aptly stated, in addition to sex education, our children are in need of 'love' education.

©Copyright, 1998, 1999 by Jane R. Rosen-Grandon, Ph.D.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.