From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Home From College: Hello. . . Good-bye!

There is a developmental stage in the family life cycle which has only recently come to my attention. Here it is: When the kids go off to college, we get used to having an emptier nest and they get used to flying further away from us. When they come home to visit, we make lots of room again in our nest, but college kids don’t like to stay still. They come, they go, our nest gets bigger, then smaller, then bigger, then smaller. While all of this coming and going is normal healthy behavior which demonstrates our child’s growing independence, all the back and forth can sometimes twist a parent’s umbilical cord and result in all kinds of unhealthy relationships.

I am developing a new sense of humility about spring break and other visits home by children who have moved out. Each of these visits serves as a building block in our new parent-child relationship. Here are a few more thoughts on the subject.

Homesickness is not a desirable disease. Parents, children, or both can labor under the assumption that love is best demonstrated through misery. Parents may routinely cry during phone calls. Kids may complain that they are unhappy with everything. Whether the guilt trip comes from the parent or the kid, it does not contribute to anyone’s mental health. Instead, we need to stand on our own two feet, and celebrate each other’s growing strength.
Trying to keep up with a college kid is an unsatisfying hobby. Part of growing up involves exploring the environment at all hours of the day and night. During vacations from school, most college students become nocturnal and their sleep-awake cycles generally differ from the rest of the family. This leaves little time, so parents and siblings may feel cheated. But get used to it... communication is almost always at the whim of the child, few communicate on demand, most do not like to be spied on, and most will avoid being the subject of an inquisition. As such, even if you have been informed of their intentions to spend lots of time with you, it is probably wise to occupy yourself as usual until approached by your child.
Become a good listener; be interested in your child’s new life. Even when kids complain about and criticize their new situation, they are rarely inviting the criticisms or even the opinions of their parents. When parents criticize, children "clam up". Like the rest of us, kids really don’t want to be told what to do.

Wise parents practice the fine art of listening without giving their own opinion or critique. When kids are talking, they are not necessarily in the mood to listen to you. Rather than trying to influence your children on the smaller issues, I recommend that you save up your ability to influence your children for the real big decisions they will face in life.

Spring break is a reuniting of the former herds. Many kids have grown up with the same best friends for years. Perhaps they attended elementary school or middle school together, played sports, or attended the same religious activities for years. After high school graduation, however, graduates tend to scatter, all searching for their individual path in life. By reuniting with old friends, kids touch base with each other, compare notes on the world around them, and encourage each others’ growth and change. For this reason, college kids on break tend to move about in herds and are rarely seen alone.

Even though college kids on school break are generally on the move, it is possible to see more of your child if you set up certain attractors and strive to make your home "visitor friendly". Begin this process by welcoming their friends, feeding their friends, and learning to like their new friends. College, and moving away from home, represents the beginning of your child’s new and independent life. As parents, we want to be there and provide support, but we must also allow our children to test out their wings on their own. Throughout life, we will get to know our sons and our daughters many times over again, as both we and they mature. At this juncture, our children are becoming adults. As our lifelong friends, we must give them room to grow.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.