From Dr. Jane's Notebook

When Kids Make Mistakes

Being a parent (or grandparent) is a very complex matter these days. It is often difficult to know how to best react when things go wrong. This article is devoted to the concept of conscious relations with children.

As a parent, it is terrifying to receive news that your child is in trouble. This kind of news, which is often communicated by teachers, principals, or other adult authorities, places the parent is a very precarious position. Although it is tempting to allie yourself with these authority figures, you should not be tempted to blame your child before hearing their side of the story. By listening to their version, you demonstrate respect for your child, which will be returned to you over time. Don't allow your own fear of authority figures to affect your loyalty to your child.
Adults usually try to dominate children. Adults write and enforce the rules; children are expected to follow them. This is no news, but understand that rules are not the issue here. The issue is how the adult teaches the child to obey the rules. Are children taught appropriate rules of conduct by adults who behave appropriately, or is there a double standard whereby children are told, "do as I say, not as I do"? Are rules explained by adults to children with support and guidance, or with a threat?
Communicating with children is hard work at first. A child in trouble is like a wounded animal. They must be approached with great care. If you want children to be honest with you, you must cultivate an atmosphere in the family where it is safe to tell the truth. In other words, your child must trust you and be able to count on your support in hard times. No one is perfect, and everyone hates getting into trouble. As such, be empathetic of your child's fear of getting into trouble and help them learn through their experiences, not through surviving your punishments.
There are times when parents must take a step back to gain an objective view. One way to gain objectivity is as follows: Upon receiving bad news, give yourself time to catch your breath. At first, you may experience a state of shock, you may not hear things accurately, and you may tend to overreact because you feel pressured to do something immediately.

Instead, if the bad news comes by phone, write down the name and number of the caller, and ask to call them back in a few minutes. In most cases, no further harm is done by asking for a few minutes to consider the situation before responding, and much good can occur. As a parent, you need time to consider the details of situations which affect your children. The turnaround of the phone call provides the opportunity to involve your child and/or spouse in the process, to make a list of your questions, and to take a few minutes to think before responding.

Remember: Your child needs you to be an advocate for them. When children feel intimidated by adults, they tend to stop listening and shut down. As a parent, you can help to build healthier bridges between your child and other adults by serving as a translator between them. You are also your child's role model for how to communicate respectfully with other adults.

While it is important to teach your children the rules of society, it is also important for young adults to be equipped with self-confidence and personal courage. Children are not bad or inferior people; that they make mistakes does not make them into criminals. Your job is to help your child grow up strong, self-confident, and emotionally healthy. As the new school year begins, remember to demonstrate that you have confidence in your child. When you listen to your child, try to really hear their views. By being an adult who listens, you can help your child develop the sense of self-worth and self-confidence they will need to achieve their goals in life.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.