From Dr. Jane's Notebook

First Aid For Relationships

The emotional health of an interpersonal relationship is relatively easy to assess. When two people are in a relationship, symptoms of the relationship illness can be detected through communication patterns. Left untreated, a relationship begins to show signs of illness, which affects both people. In relationships, both love and hate are contagious emotions. In relationships, both parties must actively work to resolve their problem. Below are some thoughts on symptoms and first-aid for relationships.

Disagreements aren't the problem. When people disagree, they are often advised to compromise and hopefully achieve a win-win solution. However, in my experience, people are generally unwilling to compromise until their position is "validated". Webster defined validation as the process of confirming that an idea is based upon sound and logical principles, which means confirming that one's partner has a viable point of view. In relationships, validation means accepting that even when we disagree, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.
Everyone needs to feel validated. Validation does not mean that you necessarily agree, but it is a way of showing respect for the other's point of view. When two people respect that they have differing points of view, it is easier for each one to take a step toward compromise without feeling that they have lost face, given in, or failed.

As an example, imagine announcing that you feel tired, hungry or sick. Next, imagine that the person you care about says that you can't possibly feel tired, hungry, or sick. The effect of that response would make most of us feel invalidated, disbelieved, or wrong. Though there are no costs associated with validation (validation can be communicated as simply as "oh?"), the cost of making another feel unimportant is very expensive to the relationship. I think it is fair to say that most of us hate to feel wrong, we don't like feeling foolish, and we don't like to feel embarrassed. Feeling foolish or wrong leads to more unpleasant exchanges.

Feeling wrong usually leads to feeling anger and resentment. When anger and resentment develop, we are no longer communicating about feeling hungry or tired, but we are battling for validation. As long as our statement about feeling hungry or tired is disputed, we may feel insulted enough to fight for our principles out of self-respect, or we may just choose to "win" by shutting down emotionally.
Recovery from emotional shut-down requires first-aid. If, in the course of conversation, communication is abruptly brought to a halt, several measures should be taken. First, backtrack to the moment of shut-down and search for clues as to the location of the insult. Second, don't be shy about asking if an insult has taken place. Third, invite your partner to repeat their point of view so that you can listen with a more open mind. Fourth, try to understand each others' views without being judgmental. Fianlly, remember that steps toward compromise are more easily taken once both points of view are openly stated.

I'm reminded of the story of two individuals describing diffrerent halves of the same elephant. One could only see the head of the elephant, the other could only see the tail. Together, they argued tirelessly about their different ways to describe an elephant, refusing to acknowledge that both could be right. In relationships, from where we each stand, we all feel quite certain of our views. As such, before compromise can be viable, we must extend to each other, the courtesy of listening to each other with respect.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.