From Dr. Jane's Notebook

What Do Women and Men Want From Each Other?

The December holidays are a great time to think about gift-giving for loved ones. Generally, we think of things we can buy. The rest of the year, however, is a time to think about giving other kinds of gifts to those we love. Husbands and wives often get caught in power struggles. Even the best efforts at discussions often fail to communicate accurately. It seems that men and women don't always know what they want from each other. When considering what your mate wants from you, consider the following.

Men want women to think and act more like men. Men like sincere companionship in activities. The woman who wants to better understand her man should observe two guys going fishing, watching a football game, watching a movie, shopping for cars, or playing with stereo equipment. Amidst their own gender, men talk, laugh, tell stories, and generally, have fun. A woman who provides this kind of companionship is an attractive companion; but one who whines, complains or demands attention, is not.
Women want men to think and act more like women. Women like non-competitive, interactive, and affectionate companionship. The man who wants to better understand his woman should observe two women walking, talking, shopping, lunching, or playing with children. Amidst their own gender, women talk, laugh, tell stories, and generally, have fun. A man who provides this kind of companionship is an attractive companion; but one, who thinks he knows what's best or criticizes, is not.
Do you know what your partner wants? This is not a trick question, but it is harder to answer than you may think. When couples are dating, they seek to understand each other's needs, and try to satisfy them. However, once married, individuals often focus more on their own needs, and the power struggle ensues.
Does your partner know what you want? If you think so, but your needs are not being met, you may have answered too quickly. Think back to a time when your partner was willing to listen to your needs, and remember how you acted. At times, we bring out the best in each other. This can be the goal.

If improving your relationship is among your new year's resolutions, try turning back the clock to view a time when things went right. Remember what you used to do together, how you used to treat each other, and the kinds of conversations you used to have. Your mate is an interesting person, and so are you. Consider, if you were strangers, how would you pursue each other now? Getting in and out of marital ruts is an easily learned skill, but it does take practice.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.