From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Stepfamily Living: When did things get so complicated?

Marriage and remarriage are complex relationships these days. Statistics show that half to two-thirds of all first marriages end in divorce. The United States has the highest remarriage rate in the world, and the redivorce rates are even higher. Remarriage often involves children from previous marriages, and statistics indicate that half of the children whose parents divorce and remarry, will experience a second parental divorce. As stepfamily living becomes more common (one in five families does it!), it becomes even more important to understand it. Here are a few thoughts from family researchers.

Marriages begin with people. When people enter into marriages, they bring themselves (and often their children) with fresh hopes for happiness. Good attitudes to bring with you into a remarriage include lots of self esteem, a willingness to give up some independence (the price of the partnership), a desire to become attached to one another, and and flexible attitudes about "who does what", especially when it comes to sharing household tasks.
Couples get along best when they share the load. This means that they make decisions together, are able to reach consensus and agreement, and are willing to make compromises that benefit each other or their children. Again, marriage is a working partnership so it is important for spouses to treat each other respectfully and as equals. When this occurs, spouses find they like each other more.
Becoming a stepparent is a difficult proposition. When one spouse has children from a previous marriage, things are relatively simple. When both spouses have children from previous marriages, things are considerably more complex. New stepfathers are encouraged to let Mom stay in charge of her children initially, but progressively, become more involved in childcare over time. New stepmothers, however, are often caught by surprise when they find they can't remain on the sidelines. The expectations for new stepmoms are great, and often result in a feeling of role strain.
Role Strain effects marital satisfaction. Remarriage presents a variety of surprises, some of which are difficult to manage. Role strain is said to occur when one suddenly gains new responsibilities, when family boundaries and expectations become unclear, when there is a lack of emotional support and understanding from one's spouse, and when stepparents are unpredictably included or excluded in family relationships. When stepparents begin to feel trapped and the costs outweigh the benefits, we refer to this as role captivity, which often leads to a desire to escape.
Listen to the experts! Advice from the experts, in this case, comes from people who have been in remarriages. They suggest the following: communicate honestly with your partner; clarify expectations that you have for each other; be sure you are compatible in your values and philosophies; be patient and supportive of your new family; work hard to achieve meaningful, harmonious relationships; seek counseling if needed; learn from your past marriage experiences; and try to be open and equitable toward children.

Although remarriages have the potential to be just as satisfying as first marriages, some important differences should be noted. Childrearing in remarriages calls for some changes in our approach to parenting. Adolescents in remarriages are often more depressed, more worried about finances and future career, and have lower self-esteem. Research on remarried families indicates that a more permissive attitude toward childrearing increases self-esteem and reduces stress in adolescents. So while permissive parenting usually has negative effects on teenagers in intact families, it can have positive effects in remarried families. Adolescents in remarried families respond well to a combination of independence, low parental control, and high warmth. For those who plan to remarry, these may be an important keys to your family's success.

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Last Updated December 26, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.