From Dr. Jane's Notebook

High School Grad Leave the Nest

Graduation from high school represents not only an accomplishment by a student, but also an important life transition. In most cases, this is the time of life when "the baby bird leaves the nest" and young people move out of their parent's home. Just as it is critically important for the baby bird to be successful on its first flight out of the nest, it is equally important for young people to be successful when they leave home. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

When Children leave home, they need their parents' blessing. This is a difficult life transition. It takes "guts" to strike out on one's own and take care of one's self, beyond the shelter of one's parents. As such, an important ingredient for success is self-confidence. Self-confidence comes from prior successes and encouragement from parents. Children need people who are "on their side" and who have faith in them. Otherwise, they approach life with fear and a sense of inferiority. In other words, baby birds need to hear words of encouragement and support from their parents in order to believe that they will survive.
We teach them skills all along the way. Preparation for life begins early. As babies, our kids learn to trust others, feel valued and feel secure. As they grow, we reward them for their accomplishments and we help them become inspired. We accompany our children through their childhoods, offerring them the benefits of our experience and nurturance during their trials and tribulations. Age eighteen is usually the culmination of our time to teach our children about life, not the time to begin.
Kids need to go to college. College represents the half way point between dependence and independence. At eighteen, kids are not adequately prepared to compete in the world. They may have learned many facts, but they may not yet have learned to think for themselves. Regardless of their intended occupation, college life offers intellectual development with a certain amount of structure and a certain amount of freedom. Beyond academics, college students learn how to work and live with other people. These are skills which should not to be underestimated.

Colleges are designed as living and learning environments for young people. They live on campus with resident advisors, and they eat communal style in cafeterias. Under the watchful eye of teachers and their peers, college students gain valuable life experiences which prepare them to compete in the world. In contrast, when young adults graduate high school and then lack a formal structure, they often "get lost" and settle into jobs, careers and lifestyles which are not well-planned.

Parents can remain the Safe Base for their children. As toddlers begin to crawl, walk and wander away from their parents, they maintain a comfortable distance so that they can return to their "safe base" as needed. As our children grow, we hopefully remain their safe base from which to explore the world. When they achieve early adulthood, young people still look to their parents for encouragement and approval and a safe place to return from time to time. Having a safe base helps young people take risks with self-confidence and a sense of security. Helping children achieve their independence is like preparing for a surgical operation. When they express self-doubt, it is our job to provide the needed boost to their confidence. They need to know that they will be okay.

As our children grow, we are reminded that they are not our possessions, and we cannot control their lives for very long. In a sense, we are like elevators in the buildings of their lives. We help them achieve certain levels, but eventually, they must get off the elevator and choose their own floor.

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Last Updated October 18, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.