From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Keeping Love Alive

Falling in love is somewhat like finally getting on a ride at Disneyworld. The thrill and excitement of having survived a long waiting period and embarking on this new adventure are usually only dampened by the fear of it ending. But unlike carnival rides, loving relationships can go the distance if they are adequately fueled.

Among the many forms of energy which make relationships thrive are:

Embrace each encounter with a loved one with your full attention. As I have discussed previously, getting into "rapport" is like linking up train cars so that they can move in tandem. Everyone likes to be paid attention to, and everyone likes to be given the opportunity to communicate their momentary interests. When we pay attention to each other, it brings out the best in us.
Have goals as a couple. These can be interests or hobbies that you both actively enjoy pursuing; group tasks such as working on the house, vacationing or cooperating on other projects. Just as we embark on tasks and projects at work and feel good as a result of the accomplishment, we can deepen our interpersonal relationships through shared experiences and victories.
Share your honest feelings with each other. All too often, we elect to second-guess our mates and that can lead us to misery. A young woman I know constantly makes herself miserable by assuming that her real feelings might be selfish. As a result of this assumption, she often reverses her direction (to avoid being selfish) after which she begins to feel dissatisfied, frustrated, and angry with her relationship. When, at my suggestion, she asked her boyfriend if he thought she was acting selfishly, he did not. By sharing honest feelings and thoughts in relationships, we give others the opportunity to really know us and give ourselves the chance to be happy.

Love is one of those everyday affairs that must be kept up-to-date, well-nourished, and well-navigated if it is to be the ride that you never want to end.

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Last Updated August 30, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.