From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Watching Children Grow

Some people love to tend their gardens. Others have a knack for decorating or building things. Some are good at the stock market. My thing is watching children grow. All around us, people are evolving from young helpless beings into strong, personable and talented individuals. It happens right before our eyes, and it clearly constitutes a miracle in my book. When we pay attention to children, we can actually watch them grow!

As parents, relatives and friends, there is much we can do to facilitate the growth of young people. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

Children need room to grow. Like a flower, they can bloom in a field of weeds, but better circumstances afford them the right nourishment, a healthy environment, and the space in which to grow. Like all humans, children need time to be with other people, and they need some time alone. Most of the time, our environment includes a barrage of demands, requests, new things to learn and people to satisfy. Teachers want them to learn, parents want them to "do", and friends want them to play. Somewhere in there, kids need the same kind of time that adults do, to sort things out and make sense of the world.
Kids need proper treatment. Children and teens are among the most sensitive of human beings. A commonly heard expression is "you hurt my feelings". Even worse, they are acutely aware when their bodies and minds get hurt. As such, their feelings are usually close to the surface, they cry easily, and they don't forget physical and emotional memories.
It takes patience to properly listen to them. Most young people think and feel just as quickly as adults do, but it takes them more time to get the words out. Kids are also very particular about who they will speak with. Knowing that most adults don't listen very well, they will often hold back their thoughts until trust is established. That's one reason why they often communicate more with their peers. They speak a language all their own and usually won't speak directly unless they are sure their words will be taken seriously.
Kids are learning all the time. We send them to school, we encourage them to read books, we make them do homework, but if their report cards don't look right, we think they're not learning. In truth, kids are learning every moment of every day. They learn from watching adults, they learn from watching other kids, they learn from television, and they discover the world on their own. Each time you interact with a child, you can know that they are learning something from you. So if you don't want them to do what you're doing, be careful what you do to them.
Young people are the parents, spouses and citizens of tomorrow. As parents, we teach our kids how to be parents; as spouses, we teach kids how to behave in love relationships; as citizens, we teach kids how to treat others in the world. If we are abusive to them, they will learn to be abusive parents. If we are in constant conflict with our mates, we fail to teach them how to live together peacefully and solve problems in loving ways. If we lie, cheat and steal, we are giving them lessons in antisocial behaviors. Yes, its a lot of responsibility to be around children. Yes, we owe them the best treatment.

As children grow, they begin one by one to leave the nest. No more babysitters... they make their own plans for the weekend and we are left watching them go and waiting for them to return. Recently, my daughter was out of town, and my husband and I spent a weekend travelling with our son. If you really want to watch kids grow, spend individual time with them. Like flowers blooming in the sunlight, they thrive on individual attention and blossum before your eyes. When you help kids grow in healthy ways, you contribute greatly to this world of ours.

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Last Updated October 18, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.