From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Staying in Love Raising Children

Over the past few years, I've had the pleasure of speaking to parents of newborns who attend Wesley Long Community Hospital's Parent's Point Program. This has been a great opportunity for me to visit the newborns and get to know their parents, who are in the process of adapting to their new child. Here are a few highlights we've covered.

Being a Couple is Different from being Parents. When couples enrich and expand their relationship by becoming parents, it is important to keep both roles. Although parenting is a job that is very time-consuming and energy-consuming, it is important not to neglect or forget our other roles as spouse, lover, best friend, confidant, companion and partner. It is important to maintain as much of our "couple" intimacy as possible, and nurture both relationships.
As we become Parents, our parents become Grandparents. As young adults enter the Rite of Passage into Parenthood, their parents are also experiencing new roles as grandparents. We often have very high expectations of our parents in these roles. We want them to be the perfect grandparents! Herein lies fertile ground for developing intergenerational respect! It is often helpful to discuss our expectations of each other so as to establish "the rules of the game". This is another relationship where we cannot afford to do mind-reading.
Compare your Family Histories. We all come from "Familes of Origin". That means that we all have pictures in our minds of what families should or shouldn't be. By discussing "His" and "Her" family experiences, couples can begin to develop an image of what "Our" family should be like. Couples need to negotiate everything from their desired number of children, religious interests, methods of discipline, and more. In this way, they can begin to create a compatible picture of the family they are trying to build.
Parent Education Classes are a Great Investment. The world changes a lot between generations. Aside from our own family experiences, there is little imposed education for "how to be a good parent". With all due respect to your own parents, child-rearing approaches that worked for them, might not work in your family. It is also important for Moms and Dads to be on the same wavelength and discuss their views with each other. Otherwise, parenting can become a power struggle and disagreements can tarnish your relationship. Parent Education classes and books are available for all ages and stages.

Children need a strong foundation upon which to grow, and that foundation is the bond between their parents. As parents, we need to maintain healthy and loving relationships in order for our children to feel secure and to grow well. I recall a conversation in our family when our children were small. They wanted to know why Mommy and Daddy always went out for Date Night once a week, leaving them with the babysitter. Our reply was "Mommies and Daddies need to stay in love". I can still remember their satisfied smiles as they waved good-bye.

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Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.