From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Grief Takes Its Toll

Grief, the experience of loss, is an unfortunate reality of life. When we lose someone dear to us, we go through a number of different changes. Grief affects us in so many different ways. Although we can never fully prepare ourselves, recognizing these changes can sometimes help us cope.

Grief is an altered state of consciousness. When crises occur, they become our top priority. Plans are cancelled and schedules are changed so that we can focus on the problem at hand. When our attention is so keenly focussed, emotions take over and we are often unable to concentrate on any other matters. Our perceptions become distorted and matters of life and death take over our minds. Another way to describe this experience is that we "go into shock".
The loss of a loved one forces family reorganization. When a loved one ceases to be part of our lives, a great hole develops in our family. Family members must take on new responsibilities, emotional needs must be met, and tasks are redistributed. When an elder parent dies, children may become the older generation changing the entire structure of the extended family.
Grief causes a "Ripple Effect". Like throwing a stone into the water, ripples are created that touch every aspect of our lives... finances, independence, nurturing relationships, etc. Things as simple as picking up the telephone to call, asking for advice, family occasions... all cause us to miss the person we have lost. These occasions continue to arise on a regular basis.
Grief lasts for a very long time. As much as we might like to "get over it", grief takes over and does its damage. Long after the funeral, individuals may become depressed, angry, sick, anxious, guilty or confused. Although we want to believe that we have said our "good-byes", we may have to say them over and over again at different points of time. When we miss them, it is sometimes valuable to write a letter or hold an imaginary conversation with the deceased, to express our feelings and emotions. Events such a remarriage or other life cycle events are especially good times to communicate with the departed in some spiritual way.
Take care of yourself. Allow yourself the "luxury" of being depressed, sad or lonely. Repressing these feelings does not help. Think about how the deceased would want you to recover from their loss. Honor them through deeds and self-care. If you valued some special activity that they did, pay tribute to them by continuing their legacy. Most of all, be aware of what you need in order to recover from the loss and be good to yourself. If they loved you, they would want that for you.

I recently lost my mother-in-law. She was a woman who I admired greatly and who I truly loved. She fought a battle with cancer for nearly 20 years, never letting it stop her appreciation and enjoyment of life. She's also a woman who was widowed twice, but enjoyed two successful 20-year marriages. I often sought her advice and learned a great deal from her. She left many legacies through her actions, her children and her grandchildren. She travelled the world, was philanthropic, and continued learning every day of her life. Although her life was often filled with tragedies, she left the following advice scribbled on a piece of paper which we found after the funeral. She wrote, "It is possible to surrender to life's tragedies... without giving in". I have been a lucky daughter-in-law.

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Last Updated October 25, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.