From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Protecting Our Children

The prevalence of child abuse is an unfortunate discovery in our society. Although it has only recently come to the foreground of our media attention, thousands (if not millions) of adults are currently dealing with the effects of having been abused 20, 30, and 40 years ago. Child abuse happens in a number of different circumstances and no child is immune from its possibility. Our best defenses are prevention, early recognition and intervention. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

Children are verbally handicapped. They are often unable to describe the incidents which have compromised them. Adult abusers are usually masters at threatening children in ways that silence them. As such, we need to be especially sensitive to our childrens' verbal and non-verbal messages. When children are afraid, insecure, or try to avoid uncomfortable circumstances, we need to be attentive to these concerns and give them every opportunity to communicate about their fears. It is often a process of unravelling a "ball of yarn"; they may start with one concern and work down to the real source of their worries.
Be aware of the opportunity for sexual abuse. Both boys and girls are targets for sexual improprieties. When children are touched in improper ways, it not only invades their sense of boundaries, but it also robs them of the opportunity for their sexuality to develop naturally. Children who have been sexually abused often carry that "baggage" into their adult sexual lives and relationships.
Teach your children principles of safety. Because of their limited life experiences, children are more likely to be caught "off guard" or to misinterpret situations. Teach your children about rules of safety and be sure they know how to get in contact with you.

At the end of the day, talk with your children about their experiences and really listen to them. Their day has probably been as complicated as yours. If they think you don't really want to listen, they may brush you off ("What did you do today in school?" "Nothing.") But try not to settle for this answer. Remember the ball of yarn as a communication tool and review their day hour by hour to get the conversation going.

Build your child's self-esteem. Children need "guts" and knowledge to cope in our world. They need encouragement to be able to face the difficult situations that arise for them daily at school, at home and with their peers. Children need our non-judgmental support when things have gone wrong for them (none of us is perfect.) Our children are strengthened by our understanding and weakened by our harshness. Our job is to fuel their self-confidence, not to be a stumbling block.

I recently attended a seminar on treating victims of childhood sexual abuse and heard the following story: In a similar seminar, a man in his thirties stood up and proudly announced that he was the victim of childhood molestation at a picnic but had not suffered any ill effects. On further questioning, however, he described how his parents had handled it. When the boy broke free from the perpetrator, he immediately ran and told his parents. They assured him that it was not his fault. They called the police and had the perpetrator arrested. They sat up with him all that night, allowing him to express his feelings and deal with his fears.

Teaching and raising children are delicate tasks that require tremendous sensitivity. We can't protect them from everything, but we can buffer the damages when they are hurt. Every parent must be a "child advocate" and remember: If we are not "for our children", who will they turn to?

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Last Updated October 17, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.